all my life ive been barnsick, castrated, sedated, held captive against my will. like a tiger in a cage pacing back and forth, thats what my family used to call me. i used to know why but now im not very sure why its stuck around. it refuses to leave me. i guess once you spend years upon years and your entire youth desperately trying to escape its all you know how to do and all you know how to feel. i dont think it will ever leave now, i cant be satisfied with anything until i do something that i still have no idea what it is. i cant stand having anyone in my life, i live for them not myself. i cant stand having a home or a place to rest, even though ive tried so hard to not be homeless. it makes me sick to my stomach, and so angry i can barely breathe. i hate families, and i hate how everyone sleepwalks through life without any passion or dreams. they live for nothing but the comfort and familiarity of their small towns, or even worse they dont have that and simply live to buy things and watch tv. its repulsive and bizarre to me that anyone would want that. but really i know they are satisfied, they grew up around others, with community, something i can never recreate or imitate no matter how hard i try. theyve been satiated in their natural habitat in a way i will never be. all this conflict would never even cross their minds, so i cant talk about it to anyone without sounding crazy. because of that, i cant place in my trust in anyone at all, they never even hear what im begging them to understand. relying on others and trusting them over my own mind n gut is whats gotten me here. its always the same thing, they think im exactly like them or they selfishly fixate on making me "theirs" and anything i say might as well be to a brick wall. they convince themselves they want to free me, but they dont understand freedom at all, they want me to sit in a prettier cage where im treated better. im cursed to drift forever or otherwise forcefully adjust myself to the sedentary misery of chains that were never meant to be mine. i just need to be free, but real freedom is practically impossible for everyone, unless you spend every second devoted and dedicated to it, and ive been ready to do that for so long