2/27/2024
happiness doesnt do anything for me and i need to come to terms with that, i need to cut everyone off to reach the maximum amount of suffering i crave. and then ill live in a small cardboard shed somewhere with 0 human contact, rotting till i die, probably of a heart attack from stuffing my mouth with junk food every day. delivered of course so i dont need to remember i have a human body by going in public spaces or having to put effort into anything like cooking a meal. that would be my ideal filth paradise where i dont have to try anymore. all my problems are rooted in having to exist as an identifiable "person" when inside im just an observing eye not built to partake in any of that. im bad at it and all i do is hurt people by making the wrong cowardly choice over and over again

12/27/2023
another year thrown in the trash. i figured id have gotten out by now and found what i want but i spent all christmas eve night alone listening to music. theres no new years eve party to go to or friends to hang out with. i think ive given up on finding community in real life. i need to stop whining tbh i have no one to blame but myself, since ive spent the whole year in self induced rotting with small bursts of life every long once in a while. starting to wonder if even-number years are my lucky years and odd-number years are the ones that make me want to die

12/4/2023
im filled with restless unease recently. all i dream are nightmares about how time is running out before i can no longer do what i must do. it makes me wonder if i really am just insane, but the thought of denying myself my own desires in favor of some psychobabble bullshit abt how my brain is unhealthy makes me wanna puke. i dont wanna live that way at all. whenever i start psyopping myself into agreeing that i might just have runaway brainworms telling me to leave everything behind, i inevitably get a glimpse reminding me of what it was like to live freely and and then i know i need to run as far away as possible and never return. its an instinct, it isnt wrong, i need to give myself a shot at a good life and i cant do that here. its knowing what i need. my brain is who i am and i must be loyal to that, not some quack doctor's idea of what my brain "should" be. especially when all the normal "healthy" people i know are the opposite of free, theyre chained to habits and orders that theyve been conditioned to their whole lives. i wasnt made to live "healthily" i just need to be free.

11/28/2023
i know its pretty much all ive ever talked about but i physically cant stand this town anymore its like my body is rejecting it. i so long to disappear and never return that its now no longer a matter of if, more of when. so sick of the entire county and even the whole state that i feel like puking thinking of all the time spent here wasting away, knowing how badly i need to leave, and i know my misery will never end till i am somweheres far far away. but i cant bring myself to leave. i know what i must do but i try my best to ignore it. ive not fulfilled a single promise ive made to myself about this past year. instead, i lived as a slave to my family. dunno why tf i listened to them when they said i owe them this, they will die sooner or later and are already unfixably unhappy, literaly all of them are suicidal. the thought of finally being away and free is all that keeps me going but the thought of leaving itself fills me with dread, i cant leave again with no explanation, i cant do that to my mother over a year of promising i wont even though i know she deserves it. i wish i had a god to pray to for guidance, or a close friend, writing to myself on here does nothing. i need to place my life into someone elses hands and see what happens, but i dont have anyone like that who i trust that much. im scared if i leave on a whim, i will end up hating my new life and be unable to go back, but thats a price im willing to pay. is it really so wrong to want to explore america, everyone around me acts like im retarded for it and says no one actually gets to constantly travel like that unless theyre rich but im prtty sure some do, its like im being psyopped into being a lifeless homebody by everyone around me i feel like im in the truman show. they say ill get trafficked and end up dead. i dont know. graaaaaaaah i just hate it here im filled with an entire lifes worth of unfulfilled desire. i know im the only person who can truly make myself "free" but its such a slow process, so hard to not lose a job and so easy to fall into delusions of quick cinematic getaways

10/11/2023
my head is a whirlwind recently. my days are spent desperately trying to feel close to anyone ive cared about at any point of time, and in despair since i know none of them care about me the same. and why should they, all i do is daydream, i barely interact with them outside of my head anymore. nothing is where it should be right now, every relationship i have to anyone is misplaced and muddled up, its all a mess. my brains are scrambled eggs, i dont understand my own thoughts anymore theyre so alien to me and so difficult to tie to real life. i dont know who means what to me anymore. maybe its the final consequence of daydreaming so much every day, finally catching up to me, so that i cant tell whats reality or whats fiction. i dont know who to go to. im more alone than ever and desperately trying not to be.

9/6/2023
i got a job n i finally feel somewhat human!!!!!!!! idk if this feeling will last probably not. but considering i have to return to work it actually might . my boss is this ugly crusty 40 year old who looks like hunter biden + sloppy papparazzi photos of ben affleck after divorce but i really really like my other coworkers theyre super nice especially this one guy with a ghetto accent n glasses cause hes super nice to me and also this hispanic girl named Lindsey cause she showed me how to do shit. its funny i think i completely forgot what it was i have been missing out on, why i have always been so desperate to get out of my house. I forgot what the world out there is like because its always a massive fight to try to be part of it and too painful to remember. i deluded myself but i always end up remembering like i have now. all i did was delay the inevitable, replace real life with simulation, just like i never wanted to. i remember when i was like 12 i was so horrified and paranoid that by the time i was an adult people would live fully online, i probably sensed it was in my future. but somewhere i lost that vision and fell into what i was scared of happening which seems to happen a awful lot. but all ive ever wished for was to feel connected to the world and here i am with a purpose and literally working at one of those ultra american restaurants i used to stare at and wish i could go to. dunno what to do now really but im happy. n tired

9/2/2023
today i completely corpsemaxxed. there was not a second i spent doing anything worthwhile. not a single minute outside of my room not online. only to piss and make breakfast and dinner. i barely even drank. prolonged catatonia, asleep but not dreaming breathing but never living. fuggggggg

8/25/2023
my hair is finally long enough again to cover my nipples again so when i walk out of my room naked or topless n my family screams in shock and disgust i feel like a woodland nymph scaring the mortals

8/12/2023
i dont want to admit it but i think my dad was right when he called me antisocial. i love people and i want to be around them but i cant stand socializing. i remember back in 2020-2021 i didnt talk to anyone at all cuz talking to random people meant you had to put on a pretence and think about how you might come across. i couldnt stand it and still cant. its unnatural. maybe i only hate it cuz i grew up so alone, so its unnatural for me. im not quite sure if everyone has deluded themselves into this pretence and im right for despising it, or if im just overthinking it and it really isnt that deep for most people. all i know is i really hate the people in my area. theyre all so shallow and underdeveloped and infantile. like permanent children. the rich and the poor are entirely the same here since the "poor"est people are middle class. the only people i even enjoy talking to are the most dismaying and demoralizing types, the real lowly bottom drawer of society, cuz they dont pretend to be something theyre not, and i dont care how they see me. i can say whatever comes to my head on the spot and theres no pretence or restraint, its all real, theres no point in pretending when everyone knows youre awful. i wish i could be part of a simple world where everyone's genuinely good and normal, but i cant, and id rather be a honestly shitty person around honestly shitty people than a fake good person around fake good people. also unrelated but im sick of writing down everything i feel on here just brcause i have no one to talk to

8/10/2023
i dont think im very welcome at that house anymore. i figure its cause of how weird i was about my family. wouldnt be the first time. all ive ever known is my family ruining everything. its not your fault that youre put off from me by it, its genuinely unappealing so i understand. i wish you never decided i was "interesting". i dont think you ever knew how important romance is to me. it was over for me the moment you told me to close my eyes. i know when im not wanted or needed or thought about, im not stupid, you dont even talk to me or understand why you should. im the real idiot tho for humoring any of it, letting myself think itd ever work, letting myself go along with things i know are not right.

8/2/2023
i just realized all that time i was under lock and key begging to go to school so i could have friends, if i had just successfully snuck out somehow and taken a walk theres a high school like 30 min away walk from my house. i couldve actualy maybe blended in and hung out with people my age. its not illegal to enter and since i wouldve been school age i couldve maybe made friends there. but i was too dumb and mindbroken to search for places to go by that point i guess. at some point i completely committed to the idea of leaving at 18 and i thought my town was unwalkable with nothing in sight but its rlly not. i just never knew. thinking about it makes me want to dieee

8/1/2023
ive let you have every piece of me and made myself even more impure and unlovable and for what? you are the one person whos seen me discover everything for the first time. you only get somewhat annoyed with me when im an inexperienced stupid retard, like when you saw me get surprised when the juice visibly goes up the straw in my soda cup cuz i hadnt used a straw since i was a toddler, or when you see my horrible table manners. i know you probably dont realize your own violence but if you really dont care about me like it seems then its over. unpassionate love and being taken for granted is worth nothing at all to me.

7/22/2023
i know i should be grateful for every new thing in my life, every small change, and i am, but somehow i feel dead through out it all. im not where im supposed to be. i miss total freedom. i still have imaginary conversations in my head cause i have no one to talk to. Im tired of writing everything on here where no one can hear me, but i hate communicating with people even on anonymous sites like 4chan and cant force myself into the rhythm of it. Talking to myself is all that comes natural. theres something out there that i long for and maybe i dont know what it is but i need to find out and if that causes me to be miserable and alone and die then so be it at least i was honest to what my heart told me. at least youre here sometimes, but not even very often, and when you are i feel more alone than ever. ill hug my sloth toy and think of going cool places until i fall asleep

7/20/2023
i love the metro so much, cold hard metal all through out but it still feels so warm and lived in and im just happy to be part of a large crowd of strangers. theyre all typing away on their phones with their earbuds in, talking to relatives and etc. some are laughing. im at the back of the train so i see everyone as well as lights disappearing behind me. it seems much louder in the back. hes right here next to me but lost in his phone too, so am i since im writing this lol. its weird i feel just as alone as ever, theyre all around me but it doesnt mean anything. i know im out of the house now but i just cant feel it. im grazing the world with my fingertips but i cant seem to catch a hold of it just yet

1/23/2023
cant get rid of th unavoidable instinct to "run away" and keep running. even as a little kid all my dreams and nightmares revolved around running away, and being chased. even now sometimes at night when im left to think by myself it comes creeping back and i feel that urge to leave everything behind and never look back ever again. like its calling out to me. it scares me, i dont really want to lose everything i have now, ive built a small "normal"" life compared to what i had before even though im still at home, didnt want it to be this way, and still have to deal with my moms freak outs and control. shes still miserable and violently suicidal so whats even the point of trying to appease her. i feel selfish for still being so desperate to leave when i technically have people around me now, since before it was always that i needed to leave home because they isolated me. it just feels like such a bare minimum. i always go back to fantasizing of escape. i guess i always daydreamed somebody would maybe rescue me from it all. “I'll take you away from there” how badly i want someone to just say those words and mean it and know its going to happen. i think ill crave being rescued from here forever, even though i know thats not reality and the only person who cares enough to save me without ulterior selfish motives (sexual ones) is me. its retarded to obsess over that instead of saving myself by just really committing to making money, but i cant help it, i dont know whats wrong with me. i can imagine myself 50 years from now as some totally schizo old bitch putting myself in dangerous situations to fulfill that feeling of being "saved" that i never got to have. dumb fantasies and i know theyll end badly for me. i just know home is not a good feeling. familiarity is not a good feeling. home is where dreams go to die. the unknown is whats comforting. maybe i just have a wanderers mind and need to drift aimlessly. i had always dreamed of community and friends, and now i actually have that, and i dont know how to be fulfilled with it at all.

1/21/2023
rundown buildings are th pinnacle of manmade creations becoming part of the world again. theyre lovable in the same way a tree is lovable, but crafted by a living human. covered in moss and rot and lichen but still serving as a home. a perfect steel building at daytime is not lovable in the same way, its cold and boring and doesnt look lived in, but at night it comes alive with warm orange light and shadows against the windows and the occupants belongings visible from outside and then its suddenly beautiful. if a place doesnt look to be lived in its not very interesting

1/16/2023
i think medieval people were much more on point when they explained crazy fucks as "being driven mad" "falling to madness" "hysteric" generalized insane etc rather than sorting little symptoms of specific insanity into boxes without a focus on the persons individual life. when i got to the point that i was climbing out my bedroom window with a rope made of my own clothes, threw a bowl across the kitchen and kicked a hole in my door, i had been driven to that point, it wasnt cause of some specific disorder that idea is retarded. but obviously this way of viewing mental illness wouldnt bring the medical industry nearly as much money nor does it create easy cures that can be mass marketed to any similar enough patient

1/13/2023
i think ive figured out the reason big bugs scare ppl so much. besides "oh theyre small creepy crawlies they can get in ur food and ur house", cuz that applies to mice and rats and most people agree small rodents are not nearly as horrific n abnormal n revolting as bugs. its cuz theyre literally alien compared to what we consider animals. When theyre tiny, how we r used to them, we can ignore them as a seperate thing & not rlly think too much abt their sentience or their existence as a lifeform. theyre just "bugs". but when they are big and animal sized we r forced to recognize that they are lifeforms as well and its hard to comprehend bc theyre just so very different from us in every way theyre abnormal like aliens. kinda like the uncanny valley effect. we cant read any emotion from them theyre big metallic living creatures who eat each other it seems bizarre and awful. what might contribute to that is tht weve acc gone n copied bug designs for technology stuff but the technology tht has that familiar look isnt alive in the slightest. so maybe it activates some sort of uncanny valley type thing in us where it looks like a machine but is also alive at the same time n it feels unnatural

12/27/2022
i never wouldve thought that even now, after my life was supposed to start, the most exciting parts of my life would still be late night errand drives for my family to events i wont even go to. riduculously pathetic at this point. i had always thought i had what it takes to live a beautiful life but i guess its much harder to be in control of how we end up living. many things happen to us that we never could have done anytbing about, and i hate myself too much to take it back into my own hands. its too hard to think about

12/15/2022
i HAAAAAAAAAAATEEEEE nerdy rich community college kids they act like theyre trapped in a permanent childs mind or some shit. its like the environment around them encourages endless childlike escapism so they never have to actually jump out the nest. when i talk to them its like i have to “play pretend” that all these concepts, franchises, brands, movies and video games etc matter or hold any meaning to me. None of which even cross my mind on my own. if you try to talk about what they want in life, moving out, where theyd like to live or suggest fun things to do they either dont know what to say or get annoyed for insinuating they should get off their fucking ass. their parents are probably real people who had real lives and theyre just a overgrown child following a default life set out for them, its grim as fuck. maybe city people are like this too but all i know is i do not belong here

12/4/2022
ive been very little good to anyone in my life when i think about it. all i do is hurt people. i dont want to but its always what happens without fail. My mother, my beloved pet bird, my father, my sister, and men of course. of all things i wish i could take good care of someone and make them happy. its a ridiculous pattern at this point, it seems like it inevitably happens with everyone who knows me. i wish i could reboot my brain i dont want to be so messed up

11/12/2022
why should i keep myself doing something when it makes me feel nothing. all ive ever wanted was to feel stuff and my current life feels like medically sustained emptiness. every awful situation i create again and again, the scenarios i used to manufacture behind peoples’ backs online, was all some unfortunate attempt of twisting and turning myself towards feeling something. not any specific emotion, like happiness or sadness either, just something. i think its good that im so desperate to feel things but my family and everyone i know now irl says i chase misery. i dont agree. i dont think "happiness" or "sadness" or categorizing emotions is actually real tbh at least for me. happiness and sadness are actually more synonyms than opposites. theyre both just "feeling", you are feeling something, and i think thats the definite factor. the opposite is nothingness. id really only group like 5 different emotional states apart from each other. 1: hollow, empty. when ur slurping copium and just trying to get through the day, not really living it. when u retreat into ur brain and decide there is no more hope for you. living death. in this state you forget you exist entirely and just rot. this is what i like to avoid. 2: rage. kinda obvious. 3: "love" basically a warm, soft, cozy peaceful feeling. makes you want to lay in bed all day but in a good way like youre doped up and satisfied with everything. 4: adrenaline/excitement/wow thats cool, the feeling you get when you see videos of whales beaching or city lights or whatever. 5: an intense overwhelming melancholic peace, blissful bittersweetness reconciling with the world and love for everything. this is what being happy is to me, and i place it much higher than casual happiness. i feel familiar and at home when i feel like this. its what i chase. i think thats one of the main reasons i have a difficult time connecting to normal suburban people. i was talking abt how much i love being out at night to this one boy from college and he told me he doesnt see the difference between it and the day, it didnt feel any different to him. i automatically just knew that wasnt someone i could ever relate to, our entire way of looking at things was different, and the life he wants probably would not make me feel much. living nocturnally is way better for that feeling i crave.

10/30/2022
my delusionrotted mind has gotten the better of me again. last night for a halloween party (ive never been to one before) i was going to dress as alex from a clockwork orange. everyone else agreed that this would look cute as hell. but at last minute i decided to wear this long black velvet hand-me-down dress i have and be a vampire even tho i had no vampire teeth. i thought it would be gothic and romantic and beautiful but because i have no makeup or vampire teeth and dont know how to style my hair in any way i in reality just looked like a random crusty unkempt girl in a long black dress and it looked like shit tbh very low effort. this is what happens when other people dont share my aesthetic vision that only exists in my head. at least ill be alex for actual halloween, this was just a party i guess

10/19/2022
i hate community college i dont know why im here. i never wanted or cared to go. i have to go to a bullshit 1 with 100% acceptance rate since ive never been to school before and my family cant afford a good one cause of my dad gambling any sort of college fund money that could have hypothetically existed. i kinda wanted to go to a university in florida to study marine biology and be around animals and i was planning on doing rotc or a scholarship or something but i was truly too retarded to figure out how applications work and now its too late. all i ever had were my dreams of travelling america or living on my own while im still young and even those have been taken from me. plans for the future were my sanctuary and now they will never be brought to reality. in the very end i caved to the wills of others, my family. what i always promised myself to never do. all these new things around me and i dont feel connected to any of them. the world really does feel empty now

10/12/2022
i have friends now, real life ones for the first time ever. very bizarre to think about. its funny its all i ever craved but now that i have it im tempted to drop them all and leave again. it feels wrong and like something that wasnt ever meant to happen. it makes me very sad to some degree like im giving up but i also know how awfully unnatural it feels and how i cant connect to anybody at all. i cant even have fun with them i just feel dead. i do Not enjoy "having fun". sometimes i just feel complete confusion n self hatred for whatever bullshit social role im placed in. i dont know what i want or who i am, and i usually dont feel like i have to know, but when im around people im almost forced to make it up. i cant tell if im just too caught up in myself to like these people, or if they really just suck and are as vapid and shallow as they appear to me. it feels like i observe my "friends" from afar even when im talking straight to their faces, and my observation is that they suck and are making me suck by association. they speak to me like im a brick wall and i rarely feel like im part of a conversation. that one guy who went through white room torture was correct when he said that loneliness never leaves you, it may be totally incurable

10/8/2022
i went ice skating for the first time. ive always dreamed of it, i even wanted to be a professional figure skater when i was like 13 and id plan out skating choreography to the nutcracker ballet score in my head. anyways there were so many little kids having fun, zooming around in groups with their friends, all laughing and having innocent fun. i had fun too but that there was a glimpse of something i could never and would never have and it was kinda depressing. the people i went with reminisced about being in third grade together, fourth grade, eigth grade and etc and i had nothing to say. i dont even know what ages those grades are for to be honest. but i do know no one knew me at those ages. even when i forget about it, and try to live in the moment, i have no life to look back on and be proud of or anyone to share it with. i have nothing to call myself a part of. its partially my own fault too, i didnt try hard enough to discover or socialize because daydreaming was easier. i wish i was able to respect or like or sympathize with myself even just a tiny bit, but it feels a little too late for that. i shouldnt obsess over it so much its very egotistical and all i ever ramble about is how alien and inhuman i feel its extremely narcissistic. my sister was just as isolated as me but doesnt seem to spend every second bemoaning it and wanting to die over the past. the actual ice skating was fun though, it wasnt as physically hard as i expected at all. i need to stop being so miserable about everything i should feel grateful and overjoyed

10/3/2022
i remember once talking to my mom about daydreams, and she said she has them as well every single day to get through the day but she doesnt actually expect hers to be real. i was like "thats so depressing, i cant imagine dreaming of something you dont intend to live out". but now i kinda understand what she meant. at some point when you dont have any hopeful option of living those daydreams, only having daydreams themselves is still better than the option of never "experiencing" it at all even if its only in the mind

9/29/2022
right now i feel very happy and content designing basic shitty retarded websites with the bright red lights of my keyboard and bright red firefox desktop while type o negative blasts into my ears

9/25/2022
one thing i did not expect to come from finally leaving home is how it changes the way you see almost evereything. i saw a video depicting a beach recently, not even a real beach, but a CGI animation of one. normally a video like that would make me nothing, its just something that is shown in movies and books sometimes. but when i saw it i now had a feeling of a memory i could attach to it, making it real. "oh, thats a beach! ive been to one of those before!" thats how it felt. im not very good at describing it but it was very different than before

9/14/2022
when youre gone everything good in the world is vaccuumed n suctioned away n there r no crumbs left. thats why i respect you more than anyone even when i felt like ive ruined everything or your actions hurt me. you haunt me above everything else even when i havent talked to you in so long the thought of you always inevitably falls back into my mind like a parasite i cant kill. you make me suffer in a way no one else does, in a way i havent felt since i was a child crying every day over my father. he doesnt affect me any more, only you do. the thought of you is the only thing that makes me reconcile the worst parts of myself and try to figure out how to be better, just out of respect for you. i know you wanted me to be better. no one else inspires anything great in me. i desperately try to find some sort of depth and closeness in people that isnt availably there. the world was small and complete with you, and now that youre gone from it, the thought of you still brings me some comfort

8/29/2022
looking back it was all in my head, never going to be a reality. i would get to florida easily and would experience all my firsts with you. first friend, first hand holding, first real conversation with a boy my age, even stuff most people do in early childhood like first trip to the store or first time at the fair or going to a gas station. it was all going to be new and exciting and romantic, perfect in every sense of the world. i thought as long as i have that itll all be ok everything that happened in the past few years every time id felt so pathetic and abhuman for all the normal experiences that were taken from me or that i hadnt accomplished it was all going to be okay because you existed. i imagine thats how some religious people feel about jesus, i guess i saw you as a sort of idol figure. im aware i wont have that again. i wanted to be a real human with you, being attached to someone else made me feel real and normal and existent in a way nothing else could. you made me human, and even now as long as you remember me i will remain such. or itll vanish and ill revert to whatever i was before. i dont really know just yet

8/28/2022
im giving up on romance. its kinda weird to admit to myself cause ive always been hopeless for it and have never ever imagined myself choosing to be alone ever, i always hated it, but at some point you must admit defeat. the idea of having my very own "love of my life" was something i depended on in every daydream, but ive ruined it for myself. i dont think i deserve love, but even if i do, i dont even want it from anyone. even being with him would cause too much pain now, instead of security or happiness. i never wanted to be with more than 1 person romantically and i hate the idea of forgetting people so easily. im reserving that spot in my heart for daydreams now. i think ive made it very clear to myself and others in those 4 years that i am not good for people like that. i am at my core just a completey delusional person. how i think and act and feel is completely wrong and not good for anyone. i dont know why, it could be that i was born that way through bad genetics or from my isolation and childhood, but it doesnt matter at the end of the day, its just a fucked brain. the way i see myself and look at my life is unmistakably wrong and and i am much more unlikable than others because of it. i think i was not a very strong person in the end and did not make it out of this house mentally well, even though other people have been through much much worse and more severe things than me and came out of it without being so delusional. one thing is that i unfortunately do prefer daydreams over reality a lot by now, they feel more real and i am not used to the way reality actually is. i was always in denial and thought id just make my daydreams reality, but it doesnt really work like that. i dont know what my plan for myself is i think for now i plan to get a job and the only scenario i can imagine being at peace with myself is maybe living alone in a place of my own, working a job with animals and having pets of my own, trying new foods, and spending the rest of my time writing and drawing all the daydreams ive ever had even the completety delusional ones. maybe being near the sea or having a fish tank would be small things to make me happy. i think animals are a good thing for me because they bring me closeness and company like what i always wanted but i dont hurt them or treat them ignorantly like humans, i know how to actually be good to animals. ill never accept being away from nature and being disconnected from the outside world physically but i have accepted social isolation fully. i want to dedicate the emotions that i would put into relationships into turning it into art and part of my love for the world instead. i am meant to be an observer of people and the world rather than part of it

8/23/2022
i really think you deserve that romantic escape we always dreamed of by now and i hope to god i was not your only chance of experiencing that ever. even though i dream of still being part of it for you, even if you wanted me again i know i dont think its a good idea because i clearly hurt you and i dont think i could ever make you feel that peaceful comfort again cause theres too much hurt and wrong done, ive permanently changed things. for me i know that escape will just be in my dreams and i dont think thats a bad thing at all

8/23/2022
all i ever wanted was to make you happy but i ended up doing the opposite. i cant even take comfort in my usual daydreams of suicide or violence onto myself as im only reminded of how unhappy it would make you. it feels like a disservice to you and all ive put you through with my endless misery. There is no comfort to seek with you gone from me except for the hope that you will somehow forget me entirely and live more happily than you ever couldve done with me. this makes me miserable of course but in a way i can deal with. my real fear is that i have condemned you to eternal dissatisfaction. I want to vomit until i am no longer me and am purged of all my sins and all the harm ive ever done to anyone. if i am ever to “get over” you like normal people or forget you over time i should kill myself. i can already feel it, the memories of you in my head are slowly growing feverish. i only remember the feelings.

8/2/2022
idk what to make of my parents i cant trust either of them but im starting to think my dad is not the evil beast my mom paints him as. i hate that i was never given a chance to make him happy. I wouldve had so many memories with him if i had been in control of my life, but i have none despite us living in the same house. my mother blocked that out for me. i remember when i was little, horrified every second that my dad would abandon me for another family, with another woman and another daughter better than me who he could actually go places with without his wife screaming at him. i hated being part of the family that caused him so much stress and unhappiness. i tried to convince myself for hours that this wouldnt happen, because i couldnt stop thinking about it until i felt somewhat assured. obviously i have somewhat grown from that since, im not as neurotic about it, but it was nonetheless the biggest horror to me for hours and affected my child brain a lot. i started daydreaming a lot about romance around that time, and the concept of “losing” the love of your life is still the most terrifying thing i can imagine, it became my first real fear. devoting yourself to someone for years, dreaming of them, feeling truly part of them, only for them to move on to someone who makes them so happy that they cannot help but choose them over you. becoming a past memory, forgotten entirely, while they have a real romance with someone else. if i had spent years with a man just for him to fall for another woman, i would just give up on any attempts of pride or ego and kill myself, and probably leave a note wishing them the best. i feel like my terror about this makes it more likely to happen one day, cause sometimes in my attempts to prevent something from happening, i cause a loophole and trigger the situation (that wouldnt have happened otherwise) into taking place. self sabotage i guess. i have a crushing fear of making any man im around unhappy for the slightest moment, which i guess caused my dad to think i hate him and not try with me. i detached myself from him entirely out of fear and now if he remarries and has kids he will inevitably move on, inevitably experience all the happy memories i wanted, memories i am no part of. Only as the bad comparison, how i never brought him this much fun and happiness. sometimes i think maybe these fears should just come true even though that would be a living nightmare, because it would be a justified turn of events that id probably bring upon myself. i caused misery for some people i care about, and that would be misery for me, so it would be karma. i guess the real karma for me is the fact i still have to live at home and there is no end in sight of it. oh well i cant change any of it now, i just know ill go mad if my fears become reality

8/27/2022
it feels like no one appreciates the beauty of the modern world and our inventions enough. yeah its all bad for the earth nature is beautiful etc etc, but we already know that. i love every piece of modern life the trashy gas stations to the 7/11s to the bright green signs on the side of the roads that go on for miles and miles. big cities lit up completely with advertisements. i cant help but feel a sense of awe in spite of any logical realization of how damaging it is or how architecture may not be as decadent as it used to be its still beautiful and the things we build are so impressive. airplanes specificaly are so bizarre theyre literaly heavy as fuck machinery swimming in the air. the sound they make fills me with despair cuz whenever i heard them when i was a kid id daydream about finally moving away but it sounds like a giant beast so it also amazes me. i think one day people will look back at the glittering cities and streets of our time and feel the same romantic entrancement towards it that i feel now and that most people feel for old architecture, it will be acknowledged as collective human history by that point, its just dependant on how used to it you are. they will naturally find it as fascinating as i do since itll be as alien to them as it is to me

8/20/2022
the fear of everything going wrong when i try to leave is eating me alive. i cant bare to move. my arms feel paralyzed but keep trembling madly. my plan is to pace around the living room and back rooms early morning like i always do zoochosis style but secretly slowly pack my bag while doing so. at some point when my parents are upstairs ill slowly undo the door, grab bag, open door, and while the alarm goes off i race out and run to the back garden so when they immediately run down n chase after me they wont see me. if it doesnt work im doomed and will be under such heavy lock n key that i wont be able to leave at all ever again and itd be over. i need to keep trying to live. i already wasted half a month failing, i just need to run.

7/30/2022
my mom said that im like an alien virus that cannot be contained. like that i cannot be repressed to a sanitized environment. all while she continues to do exactly that. she makes no sense

7/21/2022
at some point i have to weigh out in my head which would be worse for me to be tortured with for eternity: regret for myself or guilt for others. giving up my own dreams and being controlled by the fear of not fulfilling what my family wants of me vs selfishly doing what i want despite my mothers life being ruined. i know the latter is better, i know everyone has issues with their family and causes misery for their parents and shes old anyway but not everyone has to deal with self hatred for their entire life afterward. i need to leave and give myself the most fun and beautiful and wonderful life that i can possibly have. nothing more nothing less.

5/20/2022
i dont understand how people miss the 2010s. everything from that time seems so corny to me. i know people are nostalgic for it because they were little kids then, but thats exactly why i dont miss it. everything back then seemed infantile. yea it was a “happier” time sure, everything was colorful and larger-than-life and there was party culture and pop stars. but everyones miserable now because we know we should be. the fashion style of the 2020s sucks too but at least its not completely sexless and retarded like whatever hipsters were trying to do. Anyone who thinks the best years of their life were 2010-2015 are all losers who like bright orange jeggings and nerd glasses and pokemon. 2017 to 2019 is excused because it was morphing into something else and everything was better and i am correct like always

4/4/2022
i saw brick townhouses outside today and i think id like to live somewhere like that when i have my own place. the sky was really blue n rainy n foggy and everything was lit up it looked so cute and warm like an actual home. i want to live somewhere like that

2/12/2022
lately all ive been doing is carwatching. i think there is an actual defined phenomenon for the sort of feeing it gives you, but i cant remember the word. its when youre watching all those families and people with their own lives pass by in millions and you fully realize how every single one of them has their own full life. its comforting to be reminded of all the people who get to live lives that are not like mine. my only memories of these past few years are not actual fully fledged memories of their own but rather glimpses of the world beyond my reach. stuff like the sound of crickets through my window or the futuristic light-up signs nearby my sisters college i never even enter. nothing involving actual people or events. just pieces of an unattainable heaven, one i can see right there in front of me but never grasp ahold of. also gone in the blink of an eye as theyre pretty much all seen through a driving car window, thats the only way i ever get out of the house. one of my main memories that sticks out is from when i was 12, seeing the city lights whenever we had to drive to the hospital at night for my sister, just sitting there in the backseat daydreaming listening to billy idol on the metal 90s ipod my dad gave me, daydreaming about being driven through the city by some imaginary boyfriend figure instead of my parents. the most beautiful things ive ever seen are probably the city buildings from afar, i want nothing more than to stand right outside those buildings and experience them more "whole" than i ever have before. i want to be part of that entire bustling neon world so badly. everyone wandering those streets and driving through those roads seems to be a part of something, some sort of human collective. theyre all on the same page despite being strangers. always going to jobs, taking care of their kids, or going to school, and im a stranger to all of it. one day i wont be

2/1/2022
all i want at this point is to lay down on the ground and feel grass, pavement, biting snow or hot wood, i dont care i want to feel it all. i want to feel my body against the earth. i want to feel the warmth of a wooden fence burning against my face . i think itd take me out of my mind and id be cured. its been a decade of wanting all that by now. i want to lay on the dirt and watch the clouds float over me. i have never felt anything like that.

1/14/2022
all the possible lives i could live keep running through my mind like something i need to solve, like a leech on my back that i cant get rid of. i remember as a child i would imagine what it would be like to be driven home after elementary, with my backpack, watching the sun go down. Or driven home from church, or going on vacation. its always so vivid in my mind and i cant believe ill never experience those things. i cant believe i only have one life and cant experience everything ever. i imagine amusement parks, airplanes, recitals, one day going into sports or ice skating. i imagine what wouldve happened if i went to school in england. Most of all i imagine what could have been if we moved to austria like my mom promised for years as a sort of saving grace that would get rid of all my problems. She spoke of it so much it appeared like a paradise. a place where everything will one day be fixed and i could be normal. Now when i hear airplanes i always remember how id always imagine going to austria when i used to hear them, the sound is tied to that for me and it feels me with dread and melancholy. i had this one dream recently where we finally were in austria, and i was setting things up on our new deck watching airplanes go by. It felt very real. now i know austria is definitely nowhere like what my mom has made it to be in her head, its definitely changed a lot since she was last there and wouldnt necessarily cure her agoraphobia or make my life great. but regardless. most of my memories are dreams and visions of these unreal lives. i can most easily visualize them while watching cars go by on the road. ive done that since i was little. thats the most at peace i feel with the world, all the metallic little specs full of families experiencing different moments in entirely different lives. its a reminder that i dont need to be part of everything since theres enough people out there happily living what i want anyway and its the best comfort ever id recommend it to anyone

10/21/2021
the years of isolation and constant perpetual daydreaming have officially rotted my mind and there is no return. the damage is done. my life is now an unfortunate loophole of misguided attempts trying desperately to feel normal and human. at this point I would rather demote myself to being a fleshy meat slab of an object rather than a human person its easier and i wouldnt need to have standards for myself or care what other people think i wouldnt need to worry at all. for now im a disgusting shell of a person, letting this poor unused body mold away until i cant even feel it

8/2/2021
this neighborhood is straight out of a nightmare i swear to god, rows upon rows of giant plastic dollhouses and they all look so empty and hollow. they look more like ridiculous gingerbread houses rather than a place you would ever call home. ugly as fuck and mass produced by some hack company. i wouldnt be surprised if half of them were just bought off as property by rich doctor fucks who own like 6 different houses theyve never even set foot in. my house is the worst of all. i think its cursed cause the grass on our property is totally brown and dead and deceased while the grass surrounding it, whether it be neighbors property or not owned by anyone, is lush and green. it stands apart from the rest of the neighborhood and was there long before any other houses were built, i remember being here when there was not a single other house in sight. the entire area is only old people and little kids, and almost always theres no sign of life. Makes it all seem even more like nothing but toy models. From the outside looking in they probably look kinda cute and ceramic, and untouched by the world, but i would nuke this place in a instant if i could

7/31/2021
idk i wish i could see why i shouldnt do it. i belong rotting away in a jail cell at this point. i dont dread the thought of spending my life in prison or even getting a death sentence, what i do dread is following through with a mediocre normal life after ive already been excluded from all the good parts. if i dont go through with this ill probably force myself into a normal life out of fear like a fucking slave. and i cant stand even another second of it, simply talking to her feels like my mind is being raped with a knife and stripped of all control

7/20/2021
slowly realizing transhumanism is just a small group of weird wealthy redditors who have fancified hollywood alien ideology about extinguishing the human race and i may be the fool for getting paranoid about it or taking it seriously. i guess it all scares me because my life is nothingness hell and part of me feels threatened that once i finally have my chance to be part of the world, it will all have become "barren nothingness" as well, and thats what they want. transhumanism even though obscure is the ultimate manifestation of that fear since they advocate for idealized inhumanness and getting rid of unique individual personhood in exchange for power or inability to suffer or eternal unthinking bliss. some say they want to improve humanity into a blissfull interconnected hivemind, they consider the absence of everything to be serene tranquility. i dont understand why anyone would want that, its my personal nightmare. the desire to eliminate suffering itself is maybe the most human thing ever but from those who believe they can make it a reality it feels like a threat, suffering is inherently part of us. the desire to become robotic is obviously an unconscious manifestation of personal failure, a sad submission to an inferior existence, but i get paranoid by the idea that one day we will be able to fulfill that desire. obviously if i had been technologically altered myself id no longer have the same aversion that i have to all of this now, but i want to keep my aversion. i dont want to get rid of myself and everyone else in an endless attempt of self improvement and i just dont understand why people would want that

7/1/2021
compared to 2019 it feels almost impossible to find people online who are normal and real and true to themselves instead of some weird hivemind. people who are honest to their own core, rather than letting others tell them how to feel about their own experiences. i know in real life its probably better but people act so retarded online. especially when it comes to politics. dont know how people dont realize the only way to counter any dumb political ideology is to ignore its existence completely, the second you care so much youre already losing. theyre two opposite sides of the same coin and neither are going to make you happy. both are trapped in the exact same situation arguing back and forth on useless topics about what fuck knows celebrity said god knows what or random countries miles away. both driven by paranoia and detachment from reality. they condemn each other as inhumane and unforgivable, but in real life theyd probably get along a lot better than they imagine. its hard for me to have a strong opinion on any political topic at all, i cant help but think about how itll look from the futures perspective and then its hard to take any trending ideas very seriously since theyre so “current”. like with transgenderism im very sure its simply a awkward phase in time and in the future we will either go back to traditional understanding of gender and see it as a degenerate part of americas fall OR people will change their bodies more and more as technology advances and it just gets more efficient and accurate. and i dont know which future will be, so who am i to say anything. wanting to abolish gender norms and roles before we can efficiently do so is bullshit, convincing yourself you are a specific role is also bullshit, and telling people what they can and cant do is also bullshit, the solution is very clearly to just dress however you want and try not to give a fuck about how anyone sees you or any arbitrary magical role. my only concrete personal belief on it at all is that we should go back to encouraging some sort of acceptance of the way you were born instead of chasing the urge to satisfy dysphoria, but thats only cause i have dysphoria and know very clearly its a mental illness where you just dig yourself deeper and deeper into a retarded self obsessed hole of your own making. if an opinion doesnt come from someones own experience it will never be concrete.

6/28/2021
if i dont do it now or soon i will be condemned with jealousy to anyone who accomplished it before and after me. id never forgive myself, living a life of what i shouldve had if i was born into a normal family. pretence of normalcy. i would never be able to stand that. this is my one chance to end things how they are supposed to end, fucked up and miserable for everyone. a ""good"" end to it all would be a let down since id have suffered for nothing. this is the only way i can possibly achieve peace with myself. all problems, insecurities, and confusion will wash away, and everything would be right with the world, everything would be how its meant to be. i can already imagine all the misery draining from the house the second theyre gone. i would feel as though i had never known them and they had never really existed, i already do most of the time until they remind me by talking to me. it all needs to be erased.

6/24/2021
id be more free in prison than i am in this house. both are cages, this one just has less people who i already know i hate and i dont care to live with. none of them deserve death but theyre all suicidal anyway, i cant see any of them living a life worth living, they dont appreciate it at all and itd just be endless misery and depressing for all of them. i should just go ahead with it by now. if anything id be sacrificing myself, im the only one with any actual passion for living, and the only one with enough desire to get out of this shithole. None of us want to live like this and i cant see it ending any other way, yes i would like to move out and start my own life but thats not gonna happen or if it does itll be delayed and humiliating, i can see it already i know how itd turn out. its too late for that. small and healthy changes wouldve had to happen a long time ago, and now this is the only way out for me that would actually work and not end in going back to what i hate. i dont even know if id go to jail, the specific plan i have does have plausible deniability, but i wouldnt really try to get myself out of jail if they knew. im not a very good actor, im horrible in fact. and i also just dont care enough. im tired of lying so much always and itd be a relief to commit to being horrible scum to everyone.

6/21/2021
im certain im going to hell. not because i did anything wrong, but because of all the awful negativity and hatred building up inside me with no where to go. theres no way it can just disappear after i die. itll follow me wherever i go. for the past few months theres been a sick drowning feeling inside me, overwhelming and consuming me. feels like a neverending pit of everything horrible i dont think theres even a word for it. its like i feel the presence of "Evil" thats the only thing extreme enough. its not like ive done much to anyone that would put me in hell, ive wronged people and been malicious and cruel but the main reason i feel this way is because of my fantasies. part of it is shame, not moral shame, but shame from the thought that deep down im inferior for even thinking about such things, and the rush of superiority i get is really useless and pathetic and maybe im on the opposite side of the coin than id like to think. every time i think of those things its not long before it takes over me and im like one of those bug zombies that are piloted by mold except im piloted by sadism and self loathing. i dont know how to describe it any better.

3/15/2021
ive decided isolation isnt even that bad compared to trying to fit in. maybe i will be truly part of humanity once i am not a failed attempt at imitating and relating to them, but i dont really want to be like the actual people my age ive met. the main thing i can never relate to people with is how obsessed they are with complete bullshit. everyone i see is very interested in and dedicated to favorite tv series, movies, video games, brands, bands, singers, books etc, living through the faces and the stories that are portrayed, or at least using them as a main talking point in conversation. they bond over these together as fans of the same things and they seem very invested in the lives of these fake people who dont even exist or real people who they will never talk to. for a while ive tried to have favorite things like that but it just feels wrong cause i dont give a fuck about any of it. i dont like most things and when i do ill just see a bit and think wow thats cool and move on, nothing catches my attention. i wish people wouldnt show other peoples creations off as part of their personalities because then they barely feel like real people to me its like theyre a robot made for consumption, it breaks my illusion that most people are of substance with exciting lives that i wish i was part of. then i realize they really are not and a lot of them are insufferable and boring nonpeople who just want to sit on their asses watching netflix and their biggest aspiration is going to a shitty pop concert. i can easily deal with the misery of humanity being a wonderful thing that i have to be excluded from, im used to that, im not used to the agony and letdown of them being boring mundane annoying slobs

3/13/2021
food is so revolting. all the oils and fats and greases and juices dribbling down your face n into your pores. literally the only permanently non disgusting food is plain brown rice and thats so boring it isnt even worth eating. even plain white rice is too gooey and slimey. or maybe im just a horrible cook.

3/2/2021
i barely remember how it used to feel abnormal to suddenly have no one to talk to again. even though knowing no one outside of my family had been my entire life until then, one year made me used to talking to people online. then they went away, or more like it i went away and now im back where i started. and now im used to the loneliness completely. its the only thing truly familiar to me even though i despise it. when i try to talk to people or make new friends it feels horribly umcomfortable, like a bad performance, and i cant do anything to make it feel genuine. i cant bear it and turn myself away from everyone and everything. i think im slowly learning that its simply not my natural state to talk to people and never will be, no matter how much i want it to be.

2/25/2021
all i want is to be a normal person, idk why thats so much to ask for. i just want to be really part of something, to have people around me who know of me. they dont have to like me, or even want me to be there, they just need to be around so i can actually exist. youre only really real if youre being seen and known in some way, and no one sees or knows me. i guess its no use beating myself over, i was born only for this life and only i can change it myself. but i think somethings broken inside of me in all my years spent here. its like ive fallen into some sort of living death. i cant bring myself do anything but rot in bed and browse the internet, trying to get through the day, waiting for each hour to be over, desperately trying to forget i exist. the only thing i accomplish or even aim to accomplish every single day is making food to eat. its not like theres not much else i can do in this place at all and when youre isolated its just kinda inevitable, but at this point i think its becoming totally my fault. every day just trying to get to the end of every week. so much time vanishes down the drain and im helpless to stop it, hours or months its all the same. i waste time dreaming about being born into a different family, having a simple life full of happy memories, and having a community of some kind like school or a giant family with cousins. its such a useless thing to even think of, i wouldnt exist if i wasnt born into this family. sometimes for realism i fantasize about if my parents had died and i was put up for adoption, or if i got kidnapped and "rescued" by someone. i know loneliness isnt the most suffering one can deal with for sure, maybe not even enough to warrant such intense anguish for me but it still does. its like white room torture, shit like that. its like im stuck underground and i cant find any hole to crawl out of and i dont understand how anyone else does. ive never been meant for complete emptiness on this level, i need to feel alive and i cant get that need met here. all i have is an empty void of no memories to speak of.