9/16/2024
been playing dead for so long i forgot that im a living person. i think now i know i dont belong with the living, i belong in the dirt, i need to be ripped to my most naked in blood and rot. the living world is beautiful but i appreciate it more from afar as im used to. its becoming more and more clear every day i will only ever be at peace once im beneath it. below ground, where theres no pretense and no self to worry about. the peace of knowing everyone up there is still carrying on the same as before, and i may have as well never existed. thats how its supposed to be. as long as im alive ill just be unsatisfied, always wanting what i dont have and what is impossible. all i know how to do is play into what others want from me, play into fantasy and not even try to show how miserable i feel till it would be a giant disaster to finally say i am. i want to dream eternally and never wake up.

9/2/2024
I really want to be rid of the internet at this point, so much degeneracy and horribleness that i feel completely disgusted by the second im actually doing things i like. But the only people ive surrounded myself with are those “degenerates” and it feels too late to even think of talking to normal people so i dont really know what to do. I feel so sick thinking of how fetishistic and wrong in the head everyone i know including myself are. i can very easily imagine most people i know doing very disgusting malicious things. i grew up with porn so i always saw it all as whatever but now that i realize there are actually normal people out there i wish i was around them instead. i just want a fresh start i want to go back to trying to be actually normal and be free and independent and have pets who make me happy and i want to make other people happy as well. i dont want to give up and resign myself anymore

7/29/2024
wtf am i even doing. i tag along where i dont have to pay for anything, i tagged along with them for like a month as a quiet background character bc i didnt actually want to take part in anything, ive completely neglected my aim of wanting a car and financial independence which i do nothing to work for at all, i dont know what to do with myself at all except revert to the old habit of doing nothing. All ive ever been passionate about was to simply to go places, small places in reach in america. and now that ive done it idrk what to do with myself or where to go, it was such a small goal. im a good for nothing in literally every meaning. Now im laying here hungover body aching with weakness and i can tell its going to be funny one day but rn its just grim

7/21/2024
went to church today for the first time in like a year and it was horrifying. seeing the simple couple in front of me holding a baby, and the old people who dedicated their entire lives to this one small church that was nothing but a room, filled me with dread and horror. I dont really know why. Ive been almost near to becoming christian very recently but this was so painfully mundane it left me sad and horrified. i didnt have any clothes so i had to wear my friends long sleeved black dress and it mustve been like 90 degrees in there i was praying for it to end.

6/15/2024
i think im finally done. i dont care anymore. i dont know if it was because of last night or because ive finally been seeing and meeting people i care about who care about me, and thats maybe all i ever needed to have the final push. Either way i feel both relieved and stupid. no one else my age wouldve put up with this and i dont have to either. when i was laying in bed and she wouldnt stop screaming and throwing things into my room for like an hour no matter what i usually wouldve been humiliated since everyone heard but it was like something clicked, i saw her for who she really is and she cant affect me anymore. its like im born again

4/7/2024
i hate lookism i hate looksmaxxing i hate that giselle bundchen bella hadid naomi campbell pearl necklace high fashion new york bullshit i hate pinterest """memes""" i hate "girlblogging" i hate gymbros i hate it i hate it all why is it considered cool to care about what you look like to other people. i dont understand how anyone is even able to put the daily work into trying to look presentable for society instead of existing as they are, but its scripted into some people its bizarre. i hate that people actually genuinely believe in it. Every time i see those slideshows online that r like “who would u rather befriend?” and its a picture of a chubby girl with glasses besides a 10/10 model its like the fuck bitch obviously id choose the first person cuz they look normal and not like theyd say aw youre so cuuute and then ask me if im special ed. I dont know if the people posting stuff like that are just very conventionally attractive cool young people themselves but i cant be the only one who thinks its ridiculous. i couldnt ‘up my social status’ and improve my life with my looks if i tried, i wish i cared enough to do that but i cant bring myself to. what would give me a happy life personally is fun experiences and going new places and stuff like that, not how i look. you dont need to be conventionally beautiful and model tier to be happy or have a good life at all, look outside and youll see 'ugly' people having fun everywhere, youre just dooming urself to misery

3/23/2024
i spent the past few days slumped in daydreams again. im going to go on a music/daydream detox so i can actually do things. i never do anything ever. its like i havent found the time, there is time i just somehow never find it. i should drop into the center of the earth and let the pressure crush me.

3/12/2024
My brain is scrambled eggs . i dont understand myself anymore. My throat needs to be slit

2/27/2024
happiness doesnt do anything for me and i need to come to terms with that, i need to cut everyone off to reach the maximum amount of suffering i so desperately crave. and then ill live in a small shed somewhere with 0 human contact, rotting till i die, probably of a heart attack since id stuff my mouth with junk food every day. delivered of course so i dont need to remember i have a human body by going in public spaces or having to put effort into anything like cooking a meal. that would be my ideal filth paradise where i dont have to try anymore. All my problems stem from having to exist as a person when inside im just like an observing eye not built to partake in any of that

12/30/2023
another year thrown in the trash. i figured id have gotten out by now and found what i want but no. theres no new years eve party to go to or friends to hang out with. i think ive given up on finding community in real life. worst part is i have no one to blame but myself, since ive spent the whole year in self induced catatonia with small bursts of life every once in a while. starting to wonder if even-number years are my lucky years and odd-number years are the ones that make me want to die.

12/4/2023
theres this restless uneasiness inside me recently. at night, all i dream are nightmares about how time is running out before i can no longer do what i must do but i dont even know what that is. it makes me wonder if i really am just insane, but the thought of denying myself my own desires in favor of some psychobabble bullshit abt how my brain is unhealthy makes me wanna puke. i dont wanna live that way at all. whenever i start psyopping myself into agreeing that i might just have runaway brainworms telling me to leave everything behind, i inevitably get a glimpse reminding me of what it was like to live freely and and then i know i need to run as far away as possible and never return. its an instinct, it isnt wrong. its knowing what i need. my brain is who i am and im loyal to that, not some quack doctor's idea of what my brain "should" be. especially when all the normal "healthy" people i know are the opposite of free, theyre chained to habits and orders that theyve been conditioned to their whole lives. i wasnt meant to live "healthily" im meant to be free.

11/28/2023
i know its pretty much all ive ever talked about but i physically cant stand this town anymore its like my body is rejecting it. i so long to disappear and never return that it is now no longer a matter of if, more of when. so sick of the entire county and even the whole state that i feel like puking thinking of all the time spent here wasting away. i hate that ive stayed here knowing how badly i need to leave, and i know my misery will never end till i am somweheres far far away. but i cant bring myself to leave. i know what i must do but i try my best to ignore it. ive not fulfilled a single promise ive made to myself about this past year. instead, i lived as a slave to my family. dunno why tf i listened to my family when they said i owe them this, they will die sooner or later and are already unfixably unhappy, literaly all of them are suicidal. the thought of being gone is all that keeps me going but the thought of leaving itself fills me with dread, i cant disappear again with no explanation, i cant do that to my family over a year of promising i wont even though i know they deserve it. i wish i had a god to pray to for guidance, or a close friend, writing out on here to myself does nothing. i need to place my life into someone elses hands and see what happens, but i dont have anyone like that who i trust that much. im scared if i leave on a whim, i will end up hating my new life and be unable to go back, but thats a price im willing to pay. is it really so wrong to want to explore? everyone around me acts like im retarded for it. they only say ill get trafficked and end up dead. i dont know. its like im being psyopped into being a lifeless homebody by everyone around me i feel like im in the truman show. i know im the only person who can truly make myself "free" but its such a slow process, so hard to not lose a job and so easy to fall into delusions of quick cinematic getaways. graaaaaaaah i just hate it here im filled with an entire lifes worth of unfulfilled desire

10/14/2023
hate to admit it but i think my dad was kinda right when he called me antisocial. i do love people and i want to be "one" of them. but i cant stand socializing. i remember back in 2020-2021 i didnt talk to anyone at all cuz talking to random people meant you had to put on a pretence and think about how you might come across. i couldnt stand it and still cant. its unnatural. maybe i hate it cuz i grew up never socializing, so its unnatural for me. im not quite sure if everyone has deluded themselves into this pretence and im right for despising it, or if im just overthinking it and it really isnt that deep for most people. all i know is i really hate the people in my area. theyre all so shallow and underdeveloped, theyre infantile. like permanent children. both the rich and "poor" are like that here, dont ask me why. the only people i like talking to are the most dismaying and demoralizing types, the real low bottom drawer of society, cuz they dont pretend to be something theyre not, and i dont care how they see me. i can say whatever and theres no pretence, its all real, everyones genuine cuz theres no point in pretending when everyone knows youre awful. i wish i could be part of the simple world where everyone's genuinely good people and rather normal, but i cant, and id rather be a honestly shitty person around honestly shitty people than a fake good person around fake good people. also unrelated but im sick of writing down everything i feel on here just brcause i have no one to talk to

10/11/2023
my head is a whirlwind recently. my days are spent desperately trying to feel close to anyone ive cared about at any point of time, and feeling despair since i know none of them care about me the same. and why should they, all i do is daydream, not interact with them in the real world. nothing is right where it should be right now, every relationship i have to anyone is misplaced and muddled up, its all a mess. my brains are scrambled eggs. i dont know who means what to me anymore. maybe its the final consequence of daydreaming so much every day, finally catching up to me, so that i cant tell whats reality or whats fiction. i dont know who to go to. im just alone and desperately trying not to be

9/24/2023
im so sick of being endlessly devoted to people who cant do anything for me. i have no interest in anything if u cant get me out of this town. sometimes i have fantastical dreams of giving myself over to some stranger and leaving everything behind just to be free. tbh its less like sometimes and more like every single day and every single night. I dont know whats wrong with me. I need to get out of here but im tormented by fear. i always stay up till midnight doing nothing but losing myself in these dreams and letting them fully possess me, i play music and envision all the lives i wish i had. I know im waiting for something but i dont know what. Its not quite clear. Something is calling me to it but i have no idea what that is.

9/18/2023
my mother said if i leave then she wont let me take the illegal animal skulls with me. worst day ever

9/6/2023
i finally feel somewhat human!!!!!!!!! idk if this feeling will last. probly not. but considering i have to return to work it actually might . all ive ever wished for was to feel connected with reality and humanity and now its here. kinda melancholy cause i know i couldve achieved this feeling much earlier if i just never came back home. idk how it took me so long. dunno what to do now really. i replaced real life with simulation for so long, browsing the web and only talking to people online, and now i got a glimpse of what ive been missing out on, really up close. i remember when i was like 12 i was so horrified and paranoid that by the time i was an adult people would live fully online. i probably sensed it was in my future. somewhere i lost that vision and gave up. thats the whole reason i had to leave in th first place, i knew id grow mad and lose my grip if i stayed home any longer, and i was correct. and now i remember it. i guess i just dunno what to do now. this is probably not very coherent lol. my boss is this ugly crusty 40 year old who looks like hunter biden + sloppy papparazzi photos of ben affleck after divorce but i really really like my other coworkers theyre super nice especially this one guy with a ghetto accent n glasses cause hes super nice to me and also this hispanic girl named Lindsey cause she showed me how to do shit. here i am with a purpose and literally working at one of those ultra american restaurants i used to stare at and wish i could go to, im so happy

9/2/2023
prolonged catatonia, asleep but not dreaming, breathing but never living. i completely forgot what it is i have been missing out on, why i have always been so desperate to leave. I forgot what the world out there is like because it is too painful to remember. I delude myself. but i always end up remembering. All i do is delay the inevitable, just like i never wanted to. ITS OVER

8/15/2023
my hair is finally long enough again to cover my nipples again so when i walk around my house naked n my family screams in shock and disgust i feel liek a woodland nymph scaring the mortals

8/13/2023
Today i completely corpsemaxxed. there was not a second i spent doing anything worthwhile. not a single minute outside of my room not online. only to piss and make breakfast and dinner. i barely even drank. better luck next time.

8/10/2023
i dont seem very welcome at your place anymore. i figure its cause of how weird i was about my family. wouldnt be the first time. all ive ever known is my family ruining everything. its not your fault that youre put off from me by it, its genuinely unappealing so i understand. i wish you never decided i was "interesting" enough. i dont think you ever knew how important romance is to me. it was over for me the moment you told me to close my eyes. i know when im not wanted or needed or thought about, im not stupid. you dont even talk to me or understand why you should. im the real idiot tho for humoring any of it, letting myself think itd ever work, letting myself go along with things i know are not right.

8/4/2023
sometimes i feel like the only way ill truly be appreciated is if i disappear. like i wont ever be truly loved unless im gone. unpassionate love taken for granted is worth nothing at all to me.

8/2/2023
i just realized all that time i was under lock and key begging to go to school so i could have friends, if i had just snuck out and taken a walk theres a high school 4 min away from my house. i coukdve actualy hung out with people. its not illegal to enter and since i wouldve been school age i couldve done it with no suspicion and maybe made friends there. but i was too dumb to figure that out and too mindbroken by that point i guess. at some point i completely committed to just running away and i thought my town was unwalkable with nothing in sight but its rlly not. i just never knew.

7/22/2023
i know i should be grateful for every new thing in my life, every small change, and i am, but somehow i feel like there should be more. im not where im supposed to be. i miss total freedom. i still have imaginary conversations in my head cause i have no one to talk to. Im tired of writing everything on here where no one can hear me, but i hate communicating with people even on anonymous sites like 4chan and cant force myself into the rhythm of it. Talking to myself is all that comes natural. theres something out there that i long for and maybe i dont know what it is but i need to find out and if that causes me to be miserable and alone and die then so be it at least i was honest to what my heart told me. at least youre here sometimes, but not even very often, and when you are i feel more alone than ever. ill hug my sloth toy and think of u until i feel some sort of peace and fall asleep

7/20/2023
i love the metro so much, cold hard metal all through out but it still feels so warm and lived in. im just happy to be part of a large crowd of strangers. theyre all typing away on their phones with their earbuds in, talking to relatives and etc. some are laughing. im at the back of the train so i see everyone as well as the lights disappearing before me. it seems much louder in the back. its hitting me that im essentially alone. hes right here next to me but lost in his phone too, so am i since im writing this lol. there is no one here with me, theyre all around me but it doesnt mean anything. i think this might be the closest ive come to being part of people but i just cant feel it. im grazing it with my fingertips but i cant seem to catch ahold of it just yet

7/14/2023
i hate when people try to include me in things or expect me to understand current discourse. i will always have grown up in another world so leave me out of it

6/28/2023
Recently im just fumbling desperately for something to make me feel alive but none of it works. sleepwalking through life without any heart or passion put into it. living life as death. I think ive been put in the alternate reality, this is definitely not the way things were meant to be

6/1/2023
maybe despite being a total ruined disgusting whore i am at least still somewhat pure, Not sexually pure obviously, or lovably pure in any sense that would bring me social value or likability, but pure to the world, like when everything feels new to you. cuz everything feels alien and new and amazingto me. or im just retarded. retardation is real angelicism

3/18/2023
ive for such a long time now imitated the behaviors of people i observed, wanted to fit in etc, tht i think ive decoded why i cant take anyone seriously at all. what i learned through out each social group was that no one really deep down genuinely believes whatever group or ideology they ascribe to. they are all lost, trying to figure out whats best or fit in or learn as much as possible, just like me when i tried to be like them. except they had been doing it their whole life and forgotten thats what they were doing

2/12/2023
why should i keep myself doing something when it makes me feel nothing. all ive ever wanted was to feel more than i do and my current life feels like medically sustained emptiness. every awful situation i create again and again, the scenarios i used to manufacture behind peoples’ backs as a kid, was all some misfortunate attempt of twisting and turning myself towards feeling something. not any specific emotion, like happiness or sadness either, just emotion. i seek out that one feeling i always get when i look at city lights at night or when i used to do carwatching idk how to describe it. its my version of happiness and full satisfaction and peace. i think its good that im so desperate to feel things but my family and everyone i know now irl says i chase misery. maybe i do have a tendency to do that. but its not miserable misery in the same way people who commit to dissatisfaction feel. more like i chase a melancholy that fills me, one that feels familiar. its like feeling everything, everything thats around me. pleaceful bittersweet blissfulness, reconciling with the world. there is only one person who makes me feel that way besides the strangers who i see glimpses of and never again. this whole entire thing is mostly a positive in my opinion, it brings me happiness, when i see the world through this lense i feel such wonder and curiosity and thrill, and a desperate need to live. but it does have its downsides. ive found its one of the main reasons i have a difficult time connecting to the normal suburban people around here very deeply. i was talking abt the city lights to this one boy from college, and how much i love them. he told me he doesnt specifically like the night and doesnt see the difference between it and daytime. and i automatically just knew this wasnt something i cared to pursue. our entire vision and way of looking at things was different, and the experiences he wants probably would not make me feel much. the life experiences i crave would only drive him away from me. i think emotions arent as simply categorized as people make it sound, like "happiness" or "sadness". for me at least, thats not true. happiness and sadness are more synonyms than opposites. theyre both just "feeing", you are feeling something, and i think thats the definite factor. the opposite is emptyness. besides the melancholic happiness i chase id really only say there are 4 different emotional states apart from each other. 1: hollow, empty. when ur slurping that copium and just trying to get through the day, not really living it. when u retreat into ur brain and decide there is no more hope for you. living dead emotion. in this state you forget your ego entirely and just rot. 2: rage. it doesnt need much introduction 3: a sort of warm, soft, cozy feeling. this one might be "love", its very peaceful and comforting and you just wanna lay in bed in a fuzzy blanket all day. however i have not felt it for very long 4: adrenaline/excitement.

1/29/2023
cant get rid of th unavoidable instinct to run away and to keep running. even as a kid all my dreams and nightmares revolved around running away, and being chased. even now when i do not logically aspire to leave again, sometimes at night when im left to think by myself it comes creeping back and i feel the urge to leave everything behind and never look back ever again. it scares me because on one hand i do not want to lose everything i have now and i do not know what exactly it is im so desperate to leave behind. But i can never help it, i always go back to that. maybe i just have a wanderers mind, and im meant to drift from land to land aimlessly. but i remember i had always dreamed of community and friends, and now i actually have that, and i dont know how to be fulfilled with it at all. ive built a small "normal"" life compared to what i had before even though im still at home, didnt want it to be this way, and still have to deal with my moms freak outs and control. shes still miserable and violently suicidal so whats even the point of trying to appease her. i feel selfish for still being so desperate to leave when i technically have people around me now, since before it was always that i needed to leave home because they isolated me. it just feels like such a bare minimum. i always go back to fantasizing of escape. i guess i always daydreamed somebody would maybe rescue me from it all. “I'll take you away from there” how badly i want someone to just say those words and mean it and know its going to happen. i think ill crave being rescued from here forever, even though i know thats not reality and the only person who cares enough to save me without ulterior selfish motives (sexual ones) is me. i can imagine myself 50 years from now as some totally schizo old bitch putting myself in dangerous situations to fulfill that feeling of being "saved" that i never got to have. dumb fantasies and i know theyll end badly for me. its retarded to obsess over that instead of saving myself by just really committing to making money, but i cant help it, i dont know whats wrong with me. i just know home is not a good feeling. familiarity is not a good feeling. home is where dreams go to die. the unknown is whats comforting

1/16/2023
i think medieval people were much more on point when they explained crazy fucks as "being driven mad" "falling to madness" "hysteria" and general insanity due to life rather than sorting little symptoms of specific insanity into boxes without a focus on the person individual life. when i got to the point that i was climbing out my bedroom window with a rope made of my own clothes, threw a bowl across the room unprovoked and crashed a hole in my door, i had been driven to that point, it wasnt cuz of some disorder. but obviously this way of viewing mental illness wouldnt bring the medical industry nearly as much money nor does it create easy cures that can be mass marketed to any similar enough patient

1/13/2023
ive figured out the reason big bugs scare ppl so much. besides "oh theyre small creepy crawlies they can get in ur food and ur house", cuz that applies to mice and rats and most people agree small rodents are not nearly as horrific n abnormal n revolting as bugs. its cuz theyre literally alien compared to what we consider animals. When theyre tiny, how we r used to them, we can ignore them as a seperate thing & not rlly think too much abt their sentience or their existence as a lifeform - theyre just "bugs". but when they are big and animal sized we r forced to recognize that they are lifeforms as well and its hard to comprehend bc theyre just so very different from us in every way theyre like aliens . kinda like the uncanny valley effect. we cant read any emotion from them theyre big metallic living creatures who eat each other it seems bizarre and awful. what might contribute to that is tht we've acc gone n copied bug designs for technology stuff but the technology tht has that familiar look isnt alive in the slightest. so maybe it activates some sort of uncanny valley type thing in us where it looks like a machine but is also alive at the same time n it feels unnatural

12/27/2022
i never wouldve thought that even now, after my life was supposed to start, the most exciting part of my days would still be late night errand drives to events i wont even go to. riduculously pathetic at this point.

12/15/2022
i HAAAAAAAAAAATEEEEE suburban people they seem to be trapped in permanent childrens minds. its like the environment around them encourages endless childlike escapism so they never have to actually jump out the nest. When i talk to them, i have to almost “play pretend” that all these concepts, ideals, words, franchises, brands, movies and video games etc matter or hold any meaning to me. None of which even existed to me on my own. i especially hate nerdy rich community college kids. if you try to talk about what they want in life, moving out, where theyd like to live or suggest fun things to do they either dont know what to say or get annoyed for insinuating they should get off their fucking ass. their parents are probably real people who had real lives and theyre just a overgrown child following a default life set out for them, its grim as fuck. maybe city people are like this too but all i know is i do Not belong here

12/4/2022
ive been very little good to anyone in my life when i think about it. All i do is hurt people. I dont want to but it is always what happens without fail. My mother, my beloved pet bird, any other pet ive been around, my father, and men of course. Of all things i wish i could take good care of someone and make them happy. its a ridiculous pattern at this point, it seems like it inevitably happens with everyone who knows me. i wish i could reboot my brain

11/25/2022
its weird how similar it feels now that im technically not isolated and im around people. nothing has really changed for me. i just want more out of life than this place and its impossible to ignore. I live as a martyr to my family, everything i do is my own death or sacrifice. i need someone to totally devote myself to, a jesus figure or savior. but i have no friends, no enemies, no real family that treat me like an actual person. ive been alone my whole life but its a different kind of loneliness now. im around strangers 24/7, and instead of being totally unseen and nonexistent, i am simply an eternal stranger myself. i feel smaller than ever before

11/19/2022
i keep thinking about what happened. i had always thought i had what it takes to live a beautiful life. but i guess we arent really in control of how we end up living. many things happen to us that we never could have done anytbing about

10/30/2022
My delusional instincts have gotten the better of me once again. Last night I was going to dress as alex from a clockwork orange for the first halloween party id ever go to. Everyone else agreed that was a great idea. But at last minute i decided to wear this long black velvet hand-me-down dress i have and be a vampire even tho i had no vampire teeth. I thought i would look very gothic and romantic and enchanting and beautiful but, because i had no makeup or vampire teeth i obviously in reality just looked like a random girl in a long black dress. This is what happens when other people dont share my aesthetic vision. at least ill be alex for actual halloween, this was just a party i guess

10/19/2022
i hate community college i dont know why im here. i never wanted or cared to go. i have to go to a bullshit 1 with 100% acceptance rate since ive never been to school before and my family cant afford a good one cause of my dad gambling any sort of college fund money that could have hypothetically existed. i kinda wanted to go to a university in florida to study marine biology and be around animals and i was planning on doing rotc or a scholarship or something but i was truly too retarded to figure out how applications work and now its too late. all i ever had were my dreams of travelling america or living on my own while im still young but those are impossible without money. all these little detailed shapes around me, and i dont feel connected to any of them. the world really does feel empty now. plans for the future were my sanctuary and now they will never be brought to reality. in the very end i caved to the wills of others. what i always promised myself to never do

10/12/2022
i am again in social situations, just this time in real life, and i still have the same awful old feeling i used to have online. just complete confusion n self hatred for whatever social role im placed in, and how much ive missed out on and will never get back. i dont know what i want or who i am, and i usually dont feel like i have to know, but when im around people im almost forced to make it up. really i just feel like a nonperson. abhuman in every way. ive noticed i observe them from afar even when talking straight to their faces. im much too used to it, its ingrained in my brain to feel that way. i never feel like i myself am truly part of a conversation. i cant even have fun with them i just feel dead. i do Not enjoy "having fun". i cant tell if im just too caught up in myself to like these people, or if they really just suck and are as vapid and shallow as they appear to me. it feels like i observe my "friends" from afar even when im talking straight to their faces, and my observation is that they suck and are making me suck by association. they speak to me like im a brick wall and i rarely feel like im part of a conversation. that one guy who experienced white room torture wasnt lying when he said the loneliness never leaves you

10/8/2022
i went ice skating for the first time, something id always dreamed of. i even wanted to be a professional figure skater when i was 13, id listen to the nutcracker ballet score on my ipod and plan out skating choreography. there were so many little kids having fun, zooming around in groups with their friends, all laughing and having innocent fun. i had fun too, but that there was a glimpse of something i could never and would never have. people aroumd me reminisced about being in third grade together, fourth grade, eigth grade and etc. i dont even know what ages those grades are for. but i do know no one knew me at those ages. even when i forget about it, and try to live in the moment, i have no life to look back on and be proud of. i have nothing to call myself a part of. no community, no scene. its partially my own fault too, i didnt try hard enough to discover or socialize because daydreaming was easier. i wish i was able to respect or like or sympathize with myself even just a tiny bit, but it feels much too late for that. i couldve managed a few years ago but now is a little too late. i need to stop being so egotistical and miserable whenever i get to do things, i should feel grateful and overjoyed

10/3/2022
i remember once talking to my mom about daydreams, and she said she has them as well every single day to get through the day but she does not actually expect hers to be real and i was like "that must be so depressing, i cant imagine dreaming of something you dont intend to live out". but by now i understand what she meant. at some point when you dont have the option of living those daydreams, only having daydreams themselves is still better than the option of not "experiencing" it at all not even in the mind

9/29/2022
right now i feel very happy and content shittily designing basic retarded websites with the bright red lights of my keyboard and bright red firefox desktop while type o negative blasts into my ears

9/25/2022
one thing i did not expect to come from going into the world is how it changes the way you see almost evereything. i saw a video depicting a beach recently, not even a real beach, but a CGI animation of one. normally such a video to me would just feel like nothing, just something that is shown in movies and books sometimes. but when i saw it i now had a feeling of a memory i could attach to it, making it real. "oh, thats a beach! ive been to one of those before!" thats how it felt. im not very good at describing it but it was very different than normal

9/2/2022
i really dont think i should be in any sort of relationship at all for quite a while. its kinda weird to admit as ive always been a hopeless romantic and have never ever imagined myself choosing to be alone, but at some point you must admit defeat. im reserving that spot in my heart for daydreams now. i think ive made it very clear to myself and others in those 4 years that i am not good for people like that. i think i am at my core just a completey delusional person. how i think and act and feel is completely wrong and not good for anyone. i dont know why, it could be either that i was born that way through bad genetics or from my isolation and childhood, but it doesnt matter at the end of the day, its just a fucked up brain. i have realized the way i see myself and look at my life is unmistakably wrong and different from those around me, and i am much more unlikable than them because of it, at least to myself. i think i was not a very strong person in the end and did not make it out of this house mentally well, even though other people have been through much much worse and more severe things than me and came out of it without being so delusional. one thing is that i unfortunately do prefer daydreams over reality a lot by now, they feel more real and i am not used to the way reality actually is. i was always in denial and thought id just make my daydreams reality, but it doesnt really work like that. i dont know what my plan for myself is i think for now i plan to get a job and the only scenario i can imagine myself satisfied and at peace with myself is maybe living alone in an apartment of my own, working a job with animals and having pets of my own, trying new foods, and spending the rest of my time writing and drawing all the daydreams ive ever had even the completely delusional ones. maybe near the sea or having a fish tank. small things to make me happy. i think animals are a good thing for me because they bring me closeness and company like what i always wanted but i dont hurt them or treat them ignorantly like humans, i know how to actually be good to animals. ill never accept being away from nature and being disconnected from the outside world physically but i have accepted social isolation fully. i want to dedicate the emotions that id otherwise put into my relationship with him into turning it into art and part of my love for the world instead. i am meant to be an observer rather than part of the world i observe, i feel more natural that way and i dont hurt people. this all might change when i get out and slowly come to peace with the world which i can only do ohtside, but judging by the days when i was free, i dont really tjink so at least not so soon. i think animals are a good thing for me because they bring me closeness and company like what i always wanted from humans but i dont hurt them or treat them ignorantly like humans, i know how to actually be good to animals. ill never accept being away from nature and being disconnected from the outside world physically but i have accepted isolation fully. i do have friends now, real life ones for the first time ever, but i often feel tempted to drop them all and leave cause it feels wrong and like something that wasnt ever meant to happen because i never imagined it. its funny all i ever craved was reality, many experiences both bad and good, to have friends and lots of people who know me in one setting like a real community. but now i have all of that, only now i know i belong more in isolation and with daydreams. it makes me very sad to some degree like im giving up but i also know how awfully unnatural everything else feels and how i cant connect to anybody at all and i think it is my deserved fate honestly

8/29/2022
looking back it was all in my head. i would get to florida easily and would experience so many things with you. all my firsts. all of them. first friend, first trip to the store, first trip to the gas station, first hand holding, first real conversation with a boy my age. it would all be new and exciting and romantic. perfect in every sense of the world. i thought as long as i have that itll all be ok everything that happened in the past few years. every time id felt so pathetic and abhuman for all the normal experiences that were taken from me or that i hadnt accomplished it was all going to be okay because you existed. i imagine thats how some religious people feel about jesus, i guess i saw you as a sort of idol figure. im aware i wont have that again. i didnt realize it wasnt so simple. i will never have that now. its enough punishment for me. i wanted to be a real human with you. you cared about me, and you loved me, truly and deeply, more than i warranted. you made me human, and even now as long as you remember me i will remain such. or itll vanish and ill revert to whatever i was before. i dont really know just yet

8/28/2022
im going to give up on romance. it had always been the main thing i depended on in every daydream and every imagining of my future life, but ive ruined it for myself. Without even fully knowing it. I gave up the only love i really wanted for years. I dont feel like i deserve love, but even if i do, i dont even want it from anyone but him, and even being with him would cause too much pain now, much more pain than security and happiness. I never wanted to be with many people. Maybe i thought i did briefly, but i always dreamt of having just one love of my life since i was young. Of course, that did not end up happening.

8/23/2022
All i ever wanted was to make you happy but i ended up doing the opposite. I cannot even take comfort in my usual daydreams of suicide or violence done onto myself as im only reminded of how unhappy it would make you. it feels like a disservice to you and all ive put you through. There is no comfort to seek with you gone except for the hope that you will somehow forget me entirely and live more happily than you ever couldve done with me. this makes me miserable of course but in a way i can deal with. my real fear is that i have condemned you to eternal dissatisfaction or otherwise unhappiness. I want to vomit until i am no longer me and am purged of all my cruelties and sins and all the harm ive ever done to anyone, known or undiscovered. i fear i will slowly forget everything over time. if i am ever to “get over” you like normal people do then i know i will. i can already feel it the memories in my head slowly growing feverish. i only remember the feeling.

8/22/2022
sometimes i think maybe my biggest fears should just come true for example my dad having a perfect happy family after leaving us or me getting a horrible disease like cancer or something, because it would be an actual just turn of events and maybe i deserve it. i caused such misery for people i care about, and that woukd be misery for me, so it would be karma. i guess the real karma for me is the fact i still have to live at home and there is no end in sight of it.

8/2/2022
idk what to make of my parents i cant trust either of them but im starting to think my dad is not the evil beast my mom paints him as. i hate that i was never given a chance to make him happy. I wouldve had so many memories with him if i had been in control of my life, but i have none despite living in the same house. my mother blocked that for me. i remember when i was little, horrified every second that my dad would abandon me for another family, with another woman and another daughter better than me. that he could go places with them without his wife screaming at him. i hated being part of the family that caused him so much stress and unhappiness, not even being able to go places with him because of my mom refusing to let me. i tried to convince myself for hours that this would never happen, because i couldnt stop thinking about it until i felt somewhat assured. obviously i have somewhat grown from that since, but it was nonetheless the biggest horror to me for years and affected my child mind a lot. i started daydreaming about romance around this time, and the concept of “losing” the love of your life was the most terrifying thing i could imagine. devoting yourself to someone for years, dreaming of them, feeling truly part of them, only for them to move on to someone who makes them so happy that they cannot help but choose them over you. becoming a past memory, forgotten most days, while they have a real romance with someone else. i always pictured if i had spent years with a man just for him to fall for another woman, i would just give up on any attempts of pride or ego and kill myself, leaving a note wishing them the best. its pretty ironic that this is all exactly what ended up happening with us, but through my fault entirely. Ive found that many times in my attempts to prevent something from happening, i cause a loophole and trigger the situation (that wouldnt have happened otherwise) into taking place. I would never have ruined things with him or my dad if i had not had a crushing fear of making any man im around unhappy for the slightest moment, which i wouldnt have if i wasnt scared of ruining things. Its a direct loophole. And now they will both inevitably emotionally move on, inevitably experience all the happy memories i wanted to with them. Memories i am no part of. Only as a bad comparison, how i never brought them this much fun and happiness. if i wasnt so scared and still talked to them i wouldnt be so erased.

8/27/2022
honestly i think people do not appreciate the beauty of the current world enough. yes, its all bad for the earth, nature is beautiful etc etc, but we all already know that. i love every piece of our modern lives the trashy gas stations to the 7/11s to the bright green, red and blue signs on the side of the roads, which go on for miles and miles. neighborhoods full of light. modern cities are a grand feat and every time i see them, lit up completely with advertisements, i cant help but feel a sense of awe in spite of any logical realization of how damaging it is. the things we build are so impressive yet go unnoticed. airplanes specifically are so bizarre theyre literaly heavy as fuck machinery swimming in the air. the sound they make fills me with despair cuz whenever i heard them when i was a kid id daydream about finally moving away but it sounds like a giant beast so it also amazes me. i hope one day everyone will look back at our glittering neon cities n colorful streets of our time and feel the same romantic joy that i feel now and that most feel for old architecture. or, maybe, i am the only one who sees this side of the world as exciting and new. but i do think the people of the future will naturally find it as fascinating since itll be as alien to them as it is to me

8/20/2022
its eating me alive. i cant bare to move i dont know why, my arm is paralyzed and trembling madly. my plan is to pace around the living room and back rooms early morning. slowly pack bag during this time. slowly undo door while listening to music. grab bag, open door and race out. if it doesnt work im doomed. i must try this now or its over. i need to keep trying to live. i already wasted so much time. its just one step away. you just need to run.

7/21/2022
at some point i have to think about a decision and weigh out what i would rather feel. which would be worse for me: regret or guilt. being controlled by fear and hesitation, or desperately trying whqtever it takes to feel completely in control of myself. in the end the choice is between (a) not causing my family to worry BUT hate myself for not having the life i want and having let my youth pass by unlived, or (b) to live my life and have all the experiences i dream of BUT feel tremendously guilty about what my mother must be feeling. both have an awful feeling attached, but i choose the latter as my better path, because i know everyone has issues with their family and causes trouble for their mother especially but not everyone has to deal with self hatred for their entire life and feeling like they died before they could live. my intention is only to give myself the most fun and beautiful and wonderful life that i can possibly have. nothing more nothing less.

7/14/2022
i dont know why ive stayed so long. its like its not even alive anymore. theres no reason to stay i can feel it its all wrong

5/20/2022
i will never understand how people miss the 2010s. everything from that time seems so corny to me. People are nostalgic for it because they were little kids then, but thats exactly why i do not miss it. I dunno if its because i was a kid, but everything back then seemed infantile. Yes it was a “happier” time, full of larger-than-life pop stars and party culture and dumb tabloid celeb scandals to numb the brain. but everyones miserable now because we know we should be. the fashion style of the 2020s sucks too but at least we are not completely sexless and retarded like whatever the fuck hipster culture was. anyone who thinks the best years of their life were 2010-2015 are all lame fucks who miss bright orange jeggings and fake nerd glasses. 2017 to 2019 is excused because it was morphing into something else and everything was better and i am correct like always

4/4/2022
i saw lines and lines of brick townhouses outside today. it was a blue rainy evening and everything was lit up and bright yellow. i want to live somewhere like that, with the smell the wet grass, stomping on the wet pavement, hard cement under my feet and bleak fog around me

2/12/2022
lately all ive been doing is carwatching. makes me feel peace like nothing else. i think there is an actual defined phenomenon for the sort of feeing it gives you, but i cant remember the word. its when youre watching all those families and people with their own lives pass by in millions, knowing they have a full life each and every single one of them. At this point im not even envious, its just comforting to be reminded of all the people who get to live lives that are not like mine.

2/1/2022
all i really want is to lay down on the ground n feel the world, grass, pavement, biting snow or hot wood, i dont care. i want to feel my body lean against the earth. i want to feel the warm gleam of a wooden fence burning against my face . to take me out of my mind. its been a decade of waiting by now. I want to lay on the road and watch every cloud float over me. i have never felt anything like i would feel that.

1/14/2022
all the possible lives i could live keep running through my mind like a leech on my back that i cant get rid of. i remember as a child i would imagine what it would be like to be driven home after elementary, with my backpack, watching the sun go down. Or driven home from church, or going on vacation. it was all so vivid in my mind, even still it feels more real than what was physically there, or the lack thereof. i cant believe ill never experience those things, that i only have one life and cant experience everything ever. i imagine amusement parks, airplanes, recitals, one day going into sports or ice skating. i could have very easily grown up in england. Most of all i could have moved back to my mothers home country of austria. She spoke of it as a possible saving grace so much it appeared as like a paradise. A place where everything will one day be fixed, and it was promised. Now when i hear airplanes i remember how id always imagine going to austria when i used to hear them. One of the most melancholic yet happy sounds to me. I had this one dream where we finally were in austria, and i was setting things up on our new deck. It felt very real. Most of my memories are dreams and visions, especially of these unreal lives. I can most easily visualize these lives while watching cars go by. Ive done that since i was little. It is the most i feel at peace with the world, all the little metallic specs full of families and people experiencing different moments in entirely different lives. its a reminder that i dont need to be part of everything since theres enough people out there happily living what i want anyway. Its one of the best comforts to me

1/14/2022
my memories of these past few years are not fully fledged memories of their own but rather glimpses of a world beyond my reach. stuff like the sound of crickets coming through an open dark blue window, or futuristic lit up signs nearby a college i never even entered. nothing involving actual people or events. just pieces of an unattainable heaven to me, one i could see right there in front of me but never grasp ahold of. gone in the blink of an eye as most were seen through a driving car window. one of my only real memories that sticks out is from when i was 13, seeing the city lights whenever we had to drive to the hospital at night, just sitting there in the backseat daydreaming listening to billy idol on my metal handmedown 90s ipod. these little glimpses of things occupy most of the space in my head. the most beautiful things ive ever seen are probably the city buildings from afar. i want nothing more than to stand outside the buildings and experience them more "whole" than i ever have before. i want so badly to be part of them, and part of that entire bustling neon world. everyone wandering those streets and driving through those roads seems to be a part of something, some sort of human collective. theyre all on the same page despite being strangers. always going to jobs, taking care of their kids, or going to school. memories in the process of being made. to this sort of collective im a stranger. i want to be part of it.

10/21/2021
the years of isolation and constant perpetual daydreaming have officially rotted my mind and there is no return. the damage is done. my life is now an unfortunate loophole of misguided attempts trying desperately to feel normal and human

2021
this neighborhood is straight out of a nightmare i swear to god, rows upon rows of giant plastic dollhouses and they all look so empty and hollow. they look more like ridiculous gingerbread houses rather than a place you would ever call home. ugly as fuck and mass produced by some hack company. i wouldnt be surprised if half of them were just bought off as property by rich doctor fucks who own like 6 different houses theyve never even set foot in. my house is the worst of all though. i think its cursed cause the grass on our property is totally brown and dead and deceased while the grass surrounding it, whether it be neighbors property or not owned by anyone, is lush and green. it stands apart from the rest of the neighborhood and was there long before any other houses were built, i remember being here when there was not a single house around us. but yeah the entire area is just awful, only old people and little kids, and almost always theres no sign of life. Makes it all seem even more like nothing but toy models. From the outside looking in they look kinda cute and ceramic, and untouched by the world, but i would honestly nuke this place in a instant if i could

2021
simply talking to her feels like my mind is being raped with a knife. ripped of all control

2021
idk i wish i could see why i shouldnt do it. i belong rotting away in a jail cell at this point. i dont dread the idea of spending my life in prison or even getting a death sentence, yet i do dread the idea of following through with a normal life after ive already been excluded from all the good parts. if i dont go through with this ill probably force myself into a normal life out of fear like a fuckin slave

2021
realizing transhumanism is just hollywood alien eugenics about extinguishing the human race and its also a rlly small group of people and i may be the fool for taking it so seriously. its all weird wealthy redditors. i guess it all scares me because my life is nothingness hell and part of me feels threatened that once i finally have my chance to be part of the world, it will all have become "barren nothingness" as well, and thats what they want. transhumanism even though obscure is the ultimate manifestation of that fear since they advocate for idealized inhumanness and getting rid of unique individual personhood in exchange for power or inability to suffer or eternal unthinking bliss. some say they want to improve humanity into a blissfull interconnected hivemind, they consider the absence of everything to be serene tranquility. i dont understand why anyone would want that, its my personal nightmare. the desire to eliminate suffering itself is maybe the most human thing ever but from those who believe they can make it a reality it feels like a threat, suffering is inherently part of us. the desire to become robotic is obviously an unconscious manifestation of personal failure, a sad submission to an inferior existence, but i get paranoid by the idea that one day we will be able to fulfill that desire. obviously if i had been technologically altered myself id no longer have the same aversion that i have to all of this now, but i want to keep my aversion. i dont want to get rid of myself and everyone else in an endless attempt of self improvement and i just dont understand why people would want that

2021
9 times out of 10 the transhumanist desire to become robotic is just an unconscious manifestation of personal failure, a sad submission to inferiority, causing them to reject humanity entirely. letting urself go to the idea of a new race of greater, more capable, more perfect beings. basicaly theyre losers

2021
at this point I would rather demote myself to being a fleshy meat slab of an object than a human person

2021
Disgusting shell of a person, letting this poor unused body mold away until i cant even feel it

2021
its hard for me to have a strong opinion on any political topic at all, i cant help but think about how itll look from the futures perspective and then its hard to take any trending ideas very seriously since theyre so “current”. a good example is transgenderism. im very sure its simply a awkward phase in time and in the future we will either go back to traditional understanding of gender and see it as a degenerate part of americas fall Or people will change their bodies more and more as technology advances and it just gets more efficient and accurate. and i dont know which future will be, so who am i to say anything. altho wanting to abolish gender norms and roles long before we could efficiently do so obviously isnt going to work. i think convincing yourself you are a specific role is bullshit, and telling people what they can and cant do is also bullshit, the solution is very clearly to just dress however you want and try not to give a fuck about how anyone sees you or any arbitrary magical role. my only concrete personal belief on it at all is that we should go back to encouraging some sort of acceptance of the way you were born instead of chasing the urge to satisfy dysphoria, but thats only cause ive had dysphoria and know its a mental illness where you just dig yourself deeper and deeper into a retarded self obsessed hole of your own making.

7/1/2021
it feels rare right now to find someone online who is true to themselves, to their own core, rather than letting others tell them how to feel about their own life experiences. i know in real life its probably better but people act so retarded online. especially when it comes to politics. dont know how people dont realize the only way to counter any modern political ideology hivemind is to ignore its existence completely, rather than taking part in either opposing ideology. theyre just two opposite sides of the same coin. Both are trapped in the exact same situation, arguing back and forth on useless topics about fuckknows celebrity said god knows what or random country that dont even effect them. They are both driven by pure paranoia and live in echo chambers that warp their understanding of reality. they both condemn their enemies as inhumane and unforgivable, even though in real life theyd probably get along with them a lot better than they imagine. while im on the topic its pretty funny how conservative people and liberal people rarely actually admit to what they are, they always pick something like libertarian, centrist, socialist, communist or etc, but theyre always the exact same as a standard conservative or liberal.

6/28/2021
if i dont do it now or soon i will be condemned with jealousy to anyone who accomplished it before and after me. id never forgive myself, living a life of what i shouldve had if i was born into a normal family. pretence of normalcy. i would never be able to stand that. this is my one chance to end things how they are supposed to end, fucked up and miserable for everyone. a "good" end to it all would be a let down, id have suffered for nothing. this is like the only way i can possibly achieve happiness and peace with myself. all problems, insecurities, and confusion will wash away, and everything would be right with the world, everything would be how its meant to be. i would feel all the misery draining from the house around me once theyre gone. I would feel as though i had never known them. everything would be erased.

6/24/2021
I should just go ahead with it. id be more free in prison than i am in this house. both cages, this one just has less people who i already know i hate. None of them deserve death but theyre all suicidal anyway, i cant see any of them living a life worth living. if anything id be sacrificing myself, im the only one with an actual passion for life. None of us want to live like this and i cant see it ending any other way, yes i would like to move out and start my own life but thats not gonna happen or if it does itll be delayed and humiliating. its too late for that. Small and healthy change wouldve had to happen a long time ago, by now this is the only way out for me that would probably work and not end in going back to what i hate

6/21/2021
im certain im going to hell. Not because i did anything wrong, but just because of all the awful negative energy building up inside me with no where to go. Theres no way they can just disappear like that after i die. it will follow me. theres this sick drowning feeling inside me, overwhelming and consuming me. feels like a neverending pit of just everything horrible i dont think theres even a word for it. "evil" comes close but not really. Every time i think of it its not long before it takes over me and im like one of those bug zombies that are piloted by mold except im piloted by sadism and dread and self loathing. I dont know how to describe it any better.

3/15/2021
i think the reason i isolate at this point is because i need to know myself well first so i can stop trying to imitate those around me. maybe i will be part of humanity once i am not a failed attempt at relating to them. the main thing i notice that splits me apart from people online that i need to stop imitating is media consumption. everyone i see is very dedicated to favorite TV series, movies, brands, bands, singers, books, and even things like toys and collectibles, living through them and the stories or events that were portrayed, or at least using them as a main talking point in conversations online. they bond over these together as fans of the same things. they seem very invested in the lives of these fake people who dont even exist or real people who they will never talk to. for a while i tried to have favorite things like that but it just felt wrong. i do not give A FUCK about any of it. i dont like most things and when i do ill just see a bit and think wow thats cool and move on, nothing catches my attention. when people obsess over that stuff it frankly disturbs me because it breaks the illusion that most people are of substance with exciting lives that i wish i was part of and i realize they really are not and a lot of them are insufferable. i can deal with the misery of humanity being a wonderful thing that i have to be excluded from, im used to that, im not used to the agony and letdown of them being boring mundane annoying slobs

2021
food is so revolting. all the oils and fats and greases and juices dribbling down your face, into your pores. literally the only permanently non disgusting food is plain brown rice. even plain white rice is too gooey and slimey. or maybe thats just because im a horrible cook. World is fucked up.

2021
i think theres only two ways one can live freely and stay honest to themselves in the current era. One would be to somehow take back the internet from corporate grasps and return back to the lawless days of the old internet, but this is mostly impossible given the invincibility of corporations, the publics hopeless thoughtless obedience to them, and the fact it would have to be a group effort. The other option is to instead leave behind this regulated internet entirely or almost entirely and instead take back socializing in the real world. Sitting online and complaining doesnt do anything, you just ingrain yourself into the algorithmic process that they want you to fall for. Its an illusion of action. The only way you can be truly free now is to reject the internet as a serious form of communication. Most people would probably say that how i grew up apart from the world and modern tech makes my input on this stuff irrelevant, as of course its all bizarre to me, but maybe you just dont see how bizarre it all really is because youre so used to it. Im sure if you took a break from the internet for a few weeks the supposed entertainment value of tiktok and instagram would wear off completely and would make your head ache with all the repeated phrases and sounds and youd understand how i feel. and once you understand nature and the beauty of life and death youd instinctively know how evil and wrong things have become, youd feel it in your bones, once you fully realize free will and human passion and the beauty of the earth and everything that binds us together and makes us one, then you would weep like i do if its desecrated any more than it already is

2021
staring at the blinding lamp in my ceiling. ill never get the simple happy childhood memories most people take for granted and the future is a bottomless hole. i feel sick

2021
I spent every moment dedicated learning how to be normal for you to the point i no longer felt like i needed the rest of the world. Your the only person whos ever gotten close to “knowing” me and now i dont know what to do with myself. you were my portal to the real world. But i know its for the best and i wouldnt want it any other way. It was inevitable, we have to branch out and you need to be with normal people like yourself, who went to high school and go to college. Nothing was going to keep us together with such a wall of difference. I dont know why i thought it could. I guess i didnt have much of an opportunity for anything else but i wish i dedicated myself to something else like learning a skill so id have something to fall back on now. I guess its impossible for me to not get so attached when im so alone. Especially since i made myself human for you, i learned so much and changed myself so much just to be likable. I almost became part of your daily world, i wanted to integrate into it so bad. Looking back now i can safely say i never understand half of the stuff i was apart of. It used to feel like you made me human but now i feel like a ghostly alien and the world is unknown and cut off from me again. I no longer have your eyes to see it with. Back to square 1. I just hope i also meant something good to you as well, and i can be a good memory, even if i did things that made that impossible sometimes

2021
transhumanism may sound cool from a cyberpunk perspective but at some point you have to realize the reason everyone is so moronic, depressed, neurotic and out of touch with their own selves and realities is cause of technology detaching us from our biology. we cant get rid of our biology no matter how much we deny it, only desecrate ourselves more and more, until we are fully inhuman. i think when most people hear of the singularity they imagine a sort of movie style robot invasion but it would never happen like that. No terminator style sci fi battles or revolution or anything like that, thats retarded made up fantasy like a zombie apocalypse. a real AI takeover would be like a slow transition of mankind twisting into something totally different, warped by tech weve changed our bodies with. we would become robots ourselves. at best we would be scrolling social media on chips inside our eyes, at worst we would be rebuilt from the ground up with nanobots to prevent physical illnesses and "carry our conciousness into immortality". some billionaires are already racing to find cures for aging, trying to develop nanotechnology like that, while half the world still lives in dogshit. even without the need for immortality, replacing neurons with nanobots could be easily advertised as a cure to mental illness. obviously, there is no and never will be an efficient enough way to tell if the artificial, manually-programmed human mind is just like the natural, biologically born one. We would never know if weve replicated actual consciousness and theres genuinely no benefit to even try to do it. AI brains would be intelligent enough to fake consciousness, but that doesnt mean they are. thered be so many problems we arent even capable of imagining. we may be staggering into something fucked up and imbalanced and most of the world doesnt even know it and would rather focus on retarded psyops made to divide them.

2021
Anyone who says punk isnt dead is a necrophiliac humping its dead corpse. its the advertised “socially acceptable” form of rebellion give it up already. modern punks make a mockery out of disdain for the government. You arent making a statement about anything when you buy copypasted punk clothing online or at hot topic to imitate a style that people wore since the 1970s, and post to your aesthetic punk tiktok about how you cant be punk if youre not (or support anyone who isnt) Socially Morally Acceptable to the politically correct status quo. Wasnt it supposed to be about chaos and shock and disturbing people, and hating insufferable institutional fags who tell you what to do and what to think? What happened to gg allin or sid vicious, oh wait punks hate them now because they were chaotic and shocking and disturb them. punk cultures only actual function now is purely to give you the self satisfaction of uniqueness and identity so you dont have to bother yourself with any actual personhood, plus helping you somehow feel better than others when youre unoriginal and talentless as fuck

2021
Why the hell are corporations prioritizing AI, functional robots, drones, robot cars, flying cars, mindchips like neuralink and other stupid new technology above fixing what problems we actually have? All that stuff is only worth any good in a utopia and we arent even close to that right now. It seems every time something begins to be developed there is a “Race” to get there first instead of thinking if its even a good idea. we’re just adding more problems to the list instead of focusing on fixing any. Theyre piloting humanity and they cant look past their childish need for the "future is now!!" to see if this future would even benefit the world. Like how neuralink wants to make it possible to telepathically control ur phone instead of having to simply type n click with ur finger. Were eliminating every form of work to the point even just moving ur finger is too much and we need to integrate a foreign object into our brains its ridiculous. Why cant we just sustain this era of humanity forever, i dont want to go back to the past like anarcho primitivism that would be miserable and impossible, but the future will be very grim unless the people leading it see sense and stop deadset focusing on endless unnecessary technological progression without contemplation of its worth. but they wont.

2021
lately my only interaction with humanity at all has been ‘transhumanists’ online and its probably gonna make me crazy. their ideal society as i understand it is a hivemind where they are rid of individual personhood and only experience quiet peace forever, no stress or conflict ever again. they consider the absence of everything to be serene tranquility. blissful nothingness. i dont understand why anyone would aim for that. to me it would be absolute torture. things need to be constantly moving and changing around me. i guess im saying that because my life is already nothing and i already know its hell. Obviously if i had been technologically altered to the point it was even possible for me to join a hivemind, i would no longer have the same aversion that i have to it now, but i want to keep my aversion. I dont want to get rid of myself in an endless attempt of self improvement. As i am now i require conflict or i will go insane and id say its the same for pretty much all other humans. even though they wont admit to it, our need for other people and our need for chaotic happenings around us drives us to function

2021
everyone moans n groans every time some new technology comes out like alexa or airpods but they still always end up buying them. why????? Theyre so endlessly useless and retarded, and you know that and say it, why buy it? Its like people have 0 ability to resist anything put in front of them. Theres so much crap being made every day, if you dont want more retarded ideas stop buying them. Dont spend your money on useless shit

2021
the only thing holding you and me back is internetcucked programmed-to-lay-around-all-day mindset and the illusion that people have immeasurable power over us and pointless bickering. but there is no one physically holding you back from whatever you really want to try. you dont need to sit behind a screen ranting about the world without doing jack shit, moaning about how “ywn experience the glory and camaraderie and romance of le good ole days” the “good days” dont have to be over before they ever began, even if the outside world has grown horrible and lonely and you try and fail its still better than immediate submission losing yourselves in simulated rubbish orchestrated by those who want us all to be miserable, compliant and docile. Get up retards go climb trees go to the beach pretend ur in a open world video game irl find your real purpose

2021
>consumes constant inflow of information on tiktok and other scroooolling apps, mistake it for own thoughts
>adore any product thats shoved down ur throat online
>insist ur not becoming a literal retarded npc robot
the internet is digging all of you deep into the pit of isolation and emptiness and hellishness and you dont even realize it. Its not the solution to anything its a distraction. ur all being made into living computers solidly programmed to perform specific duties, taught to neatly fit into boxes, then act like u have anything unique to offer at all. Everyone is miserable. All i see online is people filling their brains with retarded crap that doesnt matter and then they complain. just get offline and go tf outside most of u can do it i dont understand. my bad, drones will deliver your food to your door, no need to go outside and interact with people to get it urself! The future of jobs is online, no need to go outside and physically work. No need to have coworkers or socialize, not now that you can reside in the comfort of your home all day. not when you can fulfill any biological need for daily accomplishments with made-up mission fulfillments in video games that will never have any consequence on reality. what you all have in common is your only purpose is nothing more than to live until you die

2021
barely remember how it used to feel abnormal to suddenly have no one to talk to again. even if loneliness had been my entire life up to that point, one year made me used to talking to people. then they went away, and i was back where i started. but now im just used to the loneliness completely. loneliness is the only thing truly familiar to me even though i despise it. now when i try to talk to people or make new friends it feels false, like a bad performance, and i cant do anything to make it feel real. I cant bear it. I turn myself away from them. i think im slowly learning that its simply not my natural state, no matter how much i want it to be. im not part of other people.

2021
i think somethings broken inside of me in all my years spent here. i always never wanted to live by what my family wants me to do. that has always been my thought process. but i think at some point i have fallen into some sort of catatonic state. i cant bring myself do anything but rot in bed and browse the internet, wasting time, trying to get through the day, waiting for night, desperately trying to forget i exist. the only thing i accomplish or even aim to accomplish every single day is just making food to eat. i dont think it is totally my fault but it is starting to be. its not like theres not much else i can do in this place at all and when youre isolated i guess its just kinda inevitable. Just trying to get to the end of the day, my daily habit at this pont Its like sleep to me, a self induced catatonic state. virtual death. So much time simply vanishes down the drain, hours or months its all the same. its like im stuck underground and i cant find any hole to crawl out of and i dont understand how anyone else does. all i have is an empty void of no memories to speak of.

2021
i wonder why it is that what i ask for is too much. all i want is a normal human life, to be really truly PART of something. to have people around me who merely know of me. they really dont have to like me, or even want me to be there. they just need to be there so i can exist. like im one of them, even if im by far the worst one. its not the most suffering one can deal with for sure, maybe not even enough to warrant anguish. but it does. i have never been meant for such emptiness. i need to feel alive. i can not get that need met here. all i have is an empty void of no memories. if i had just been born into a different family i couldve had a simple life full of happy memories, and a community around me even if only a loose one like school. but obviously that never couldve happened, cuz if it wasnt my parents who made me i would never have existed at all. In a way i was only able to live this life and no other. yet i waste time dreaming about being born into a different family, having a simple life full of happy memories, and having a community of some kind like school or a giant family with cousins.