3/12/2024
My brain is scrambled eggs . i dont understand myself anymore. My throat needs to be slit

2/27/2024
Happiness doesnt do anything for me and i need to come to terms with that, i need to cut everyone off to reach the maximum amount of suffering i so desperately crave. and then ill live in a small shed somewhere with 0 human contact, rotting till i die, probably of a heart attack since id stuff my mouth with junk food every day. delivered of course so i dont need to remember i have a human body by going in public spaces or having to put effort into anything like cooking a meal. that would be my ideal filth paradise where i dont have to try anymore. All my problems stem from having to exist as a person when inside im just like an observing eye not built to partake in any of that

12/30/2023
another year thrown in the trash. i figured id have gotten out by now and found what i want but no. theres no new years eve party to go to or friends to hang out with. i think ive given up on finding community in real life. worst part is i have no one to blame but myself, since ive spent the whole year in self induced catatonia with small bursts of life every once in a while. starting to wonder if even-number years are my lucky years and odd-number years are the ones that make me want to die.

12/24/2023
name something more attractive than spending christmas eve night all alone in a discord call playing christmas music to myself. you probably cant

12/8/2023
i need to climb into a cardboard box forever. the people i like, i have nothing to talk about with, and the people i have things to talk about with, i dont like. I like people who live their lives for themselves and have experiences. but i dont live for myself so i cant relate to them about jack shit. i spent my time engaging in extra bullshit and research and arts online as a replacement for real life, but i dont like the other people who are really into all that. because its their choice to live online, whereas for me it was all i could have. conclusion i dont belong anywhere

12/4/2023
theres this restless uneasiness inside me recently. at night, all i dream are nightmares about how time is running out before i can no longer do what i must do but i dont even know what that is. it makes me wonder if i really am just insane, but the thought of denying myself my own desires in favor of some psychobabble bullshit abt how my brain is unhealthy makes me wanna puke. i dont wanna live that way at all. whenever i start psyopping myself into agreeing that i might just have runaway brainworms telling me to leave everything behind, i inevitably get a glimpse reminding me of what it was like to live freely and and then i know i need to run as far away as possible and never return. its an instinct, it isnt wrong. its knowing what i need. my brain is who i am and im loyal to that, not some quack doctor's idea of what my brain "should" be. especially when all the normal "healthy" people i know are the opposite of free, theyre chained to habits and orders that theyve been conditioned to their whole lives. i wasnt meant to live "healthily" im meant to be FREE.

11/28/2023
i know its pretty much all ive ever talked about but i physically cant stand this town anymore its like my body is rejecting it. i so long to disappear and never return that it is now no longer a matter of if, more of when. so sick of the entire county and even the whole state that i feel like puking thinking of all the time spent here wasting away. i hate that ive stayed here knowing how badly i need to leave, and i know my misery will never end till i am somweheres far far away. but i cant bring myself to leave. i know what i must do but i try my best to ignore it. ive not fulfilled a single promise ive made to myself about this past year. instead, i lived as a slave to my family. dunno why tf i listened to my family when they said i owe them this, they will die sooner or later and are already unfixably unhappy, literaly all of them are suicidal...the thought of being gone is all that keeps me going but the thought of leaving itself fills me with dread, i cant run away again with no explanation, i cant do that to my family over a year of promising i wont even though i know they deserve it. i wish i had a god to pray to for guidance, or a close friend, writing out on here to myself does nothing. i need to place my life into someone elses hands and see what happens, but i dont have anyone like that who i trust that much. im scared if i leave on a whim, i will end up hating my new life and be unable to go back, but thats a price im willing to pay. is it really so wrong to want adventure? everyone around me acts like im retarded for it. they only say ill get trafficked and end up dead. i dont know. graaaaaaaah i just hate it here im filled with an entire lifes worth of unfulfilled desire

10/16/2023
i cant believe i am this retarded. i guess this is the downside to not being raised with morals besides obediance. idk how i could have deluded myself for so long and didnt even realize that i myself caused terrible things to happen to innocent people. i wont lie i failed to see how hanging around shitbags was harming anyone but myself. "its not like im promoting or supporting any of it" but i did. i just didnt realize until now. i really am a horrible person too, its fully dawning on me now and my stomach is sinking. deserve to be culled tbh. at least one thing i know is true, and that is that when the risk is a friend's life being ruined, i have to at least try to do something.

10/14/2023
hate to admit it but i think my dad was actually kinda right when he called me antisocial. i do love people and i want to be "one" of them. but i cant stand socializing. i remember back in 2020-2021 i didnt talk to anyone at all cuz talking to random people meant you had to put on a pretence and think about how you might come across. i couldnt stand it and still cant. its unnatural. maybe i hate it cuz i grew up never socializing, so its unnatural for me. im not quite sure if everyone has deluded themselves into this pretence and im right for despising it, or if im just overthinking it and it really isnt that deep for most people. all i know is i really hate the people in my area. theyre all so shallow and underdeveloped, theyre infantile. like permanent children. both the rich and poor are like that here, dont ask me why. the only people i like talking to are the most dismaying and demoralizing types, the real low bottom drawer of society, cuz they dont pretend to be something theyre not, and i dont care how they see me. i can say whatever and theres no pretence, its all real, everyones genuine cuz theres no point in pretending when everyone knows youre awful. i wish i could be part of the simple world where everyone's genuinely good people and rather normal, but i cant, and id rather be a honestly shitty person around honestly shitty people than a fake good person around fake good people. also unrelated but im sick of writing down everything i feel on here just brcause i have no one to talk to

10/11/2023
my head is a whirlwind recently. my days are spent desperately trying to feel close to anyone ive cared about at any point of time, and feeling despair since i know none of them care about me the same. and why should they, all i do is daydream, not interact with them in the real world. nothing is right where it should be right now, every relationship i have to anyone is misplaced and muddled up, its all a mess. my brains are scrambled eggs. i dont know who means what to me anymore. maybe its the final consequence of daydreaming so much every day, finally catching up to me, so that i cant tell whats reality or whats fiction. i dont know who to go to. im just alone and desperately trying not to be.

9/18/2023
my mother said if i move into a random strangers house then she wont let me take the illegal animal skulls with me. worst day ever

9/6/2023
i finally feel somewhat human!!!!!!!!! idk if this feeling will last. probly not. but considering i have to return to work it actually might . all ive ever wished for was to feel connected with reality and humanity and now its here. kinda melancholy cause i know i couldve achieved this feeling much earlier if i just never came back home. idk how it took me so long. dunno what to do now really. i replaced real life with simulation for so long, browsing the web and only talking to people online, and now i got a glimpse of what ive been missing out on, really up close. i remember when i was like 12 i was so horrified and paranoid that by the time i was an adult people would live fully online. i probably sensed it was in my future. and i wanted other people to live like that too, but somewhere i lost that vision and gave up.thats the whole reason i ran away in th first place, i knew id grow mad and lose my grip if i stayed home any longer, and i was correct. and now i remembered it. i guess i just dunno what to do now. this is probably not very coherent lol

9/2/2023
prolonged catatonia, asleep but not dreaming, breathing but never living. i completely forgot what it is i have been missing out on, why i have always been so desperate to leave. I forgot what the world out there is like because it is too painful to remember. I delude myself. but i always end up remembering. All i do is delay the inevitable, just like i never wanted to. ITS OVER

8/15/2023
my hair is finally long enough again to cover my nipples again so when i walk around my house naked n my family screams in shock and disgust i feel liek a woodland nymph scaring the mortals

8/13/2023
Today i completely corpsemaxxed. there was not a second i spent doing anything worthwhile. not a single minute outside of my room not online. only to piss and make breakfast and dinner. i barely even drank. better luck next time.

8/10/2023
i dont seem very welcome at your place anymore. i figure its cause of how weird i was about my family. wouldnt be the first time. all ive ever known is my family ruining everything. its not your fault that youre put off from me by it, its genuinely unappealing so i understand. i guess i just always daydreamed n hoped youd maybe rescue me from it. “I can take you away” how badly i wanted you, or anybody really, to just say those words and mean it. I think ill crave being rescued forever, even though i know thats not reality and the only person who cares enough to save me without ulterior selfish motive is me myself. i can imagine myself 50 years from now as some totally schizo old bitch putting myself in dangerous situations to fulfill that feeling of being rescued that i never got to have kek. dumb fantasies and i know theyll end badly for me. i wish you never decided i was "interesting" enough. i dont think you ever knew how important romance is to me. it was over for me the moment you told me to close my eyes. i know when im not wanted or needed or thought about, im not stupid

8/4/2023
sometimes i feel like the only way ill truly be appreciated is if i disappear. like i wont ever be truly loved unless im gone. unpassionate love taken for granted is worth nothing at all to me.

8/2/2023
i just realized all that time i was under lock and key begging to go to school so i could have friends, if i had just snuck out and taken a walk theres a high school 4 min away from my house. i coukdve actualy hung out with people. its not illegal to enter and since i wouldve been school age i couldve done it with no suspicion and maybe made friends there. but i was too dumb to figure that out and too mindbroken by that point i guess. at some point i completely committed to just running away and i thought my town was unwalkable with nothing in sight but its rlly not. i just never knew. just thinking about it makes me want to die!!!

8/1/2023
ive let you have every piece of me. ive made myself unlovable to the world just for you and for what? you are the one person whos seen me discover everything for the first time. you are the one person i share those memories with. you saw me get surprised when the juice visibly goes up the straw in my soda cup cuz i had never used a straw in my life, and you only got mildly annoyed with me for it. i know you probably dont realize your own violence but if theres even a chance you dont care about me as deeply as i thought you did i swear i will have to die

7/22/2023
i know i should be grateful for every new thing in my life, every small change, and i am, but somehow i feel like there should be more. im not where im supposed to be. i miss total freedom. i still have imaginary conversations in my head cause i have no one to talk to. at least youre here sometimes, but not even very often. ill hug the sloth plush you got me and think of u until i feel some sort of peace and fall asleep

7/20/2023
i love the metro so much, cold hard metal all through out but it still feels so warm and lived in. im just happy to be part of a large crowd of strangers. theyre all typing away on their phones with their earbuds in, talking to relatives and etc. some are laughing. im at the back of the train so i see everyone as well as the lights disappearing before me. it seems much louder in the back. its hitting me that im essentially alone. hes right here next to me but lost in his phone too, so am i since im writing this lol. there is no one there with me, theyre all around me but it doesnt mean anything. i think this might be the closest ive come to being part of the human collective, but i just cant feel it. im grazing it with my fingertips but i cant seem to catch ahold of it just yet

7/18/2023
Home is not a good feeling. Familiarity is not a good feeling. Home is where dreams go to die. the unknown is whats cozy tbh

7/14/2023
i hate when people try to include me in things or expect me to understand current discourse. i will always have grown up in another world so leave me out of it

7/8/2023
why does happinesss and fun and being in groups of people do nothing for me? it doesnt satisfy or fulfill me at all. i crave conflict to learn and become human, thats what i need, and "Fun" right now is simply undeserved and unworked for. its boring. bleh

6/28/2023
Recently im just fumbling desperately for something to make me feel alive but none of it works. Sleepwalking through life without any heart or passion put into it. living life as death. I think ive been put in the alternate reality, this is definitely not the way things were meant to be. None of it feels real without your presence of some kind, even though i dont even like you anymore at all, it still stands. Im starting to realize what a disaster its all been. And i know youve said it too. I doubt you want me either, i was awful and i still am, but dreaming of something with someone for years cant just be erased.

6/1/2023
i feel like despite being a total ruined disgusting whore i am still somewhat pure, Not sexually pure obviously, or lovably pure in any sense that would bring me social value or likability, but pure to the world, like when everything feels new to you. cuz everything feels alien and new and amazing. or im just retarded. Retardation is real angelicism

5/20/2023
Self improvement is a hack and lie my mother didnt do it even to give me a good life so why should i

3/18/2023
ive for such a long time now imitated the behaviors of people i observed, wanted to fit in etc, tht i think ive decoded why i cant take anyone seriously at all. what i learned through out each social group was that no one really deep down genuinely believes whatever political ideology they ascribe to, they are all lost, trying to figure out whats best or fit in or learn as much as possible, just like me when i tried to be like them, except they had been doing it their whole life and forgotten thats what they were doing.

3/7/2023
i had this thought earlier today while watching a movie. i wont go into the very specifics of the film, as its not important, but basically it follows a protagonist who is very isolated and “underground” in a way. this person’s lifestyle entails complete aloneness, like trapped in a basement levels. however, at the same time, the film blatantly insinuates there are people who know of the protagonist, who they have some form of contact with. they arent shown, as that would simply be including other characters, but they are just “the other” that everyone normal has in their life - the acquaintances and general connection to the public. this confused me very much. i guess knowing people who know you is such a default factor of life that these writers assumed even extremely isolated people have it.

2/12/2023
people make it sound like emotions are really simply categorized, like "happiness" or "sadness". for me at least, thats not true. happiness and sadness are actually more synonyms than opposites. theyre both just "feeing", you are feeling something, and i think thats the definite factor. the opposite is emptyness. id group emotions as 4 opposites actually
1: hollow, empty. when ur slurping that copium and just trying to get through the day, not really living it. when u retreat into ur brain and decide there is no more hope for you. living dead emotion. in this state you forget your ego entirely and just rot.
2: an intense overwhelming mix of melancholy, bittersweetness, sadness and love for everything: this is what being happy is to me, and i place it much higher than casual happiness. i feel familiar and at home when im in this state, and also at my most creative. its the feeling i chase.
3: rage. it doesnt need much introduction
4: a sort of warm, soft, cozy feeling. this one might be "love", it is very peaceful and comforting and you just wanna lay in bed in a fuzzy blanket all day. however i personaly have not felt it ever since a Specific Event.
after writing this i realized theres another emotion which is the feeling of adrenaline and being really happy and excited. but thats rare so i dont think about it much

1/29/2023
cant get rid of th unavoidable instinct to run away and to keep running. even as a kid all my dreams and nightmares revolved around running away, and being chased
even now when i do not logically aspire to run away again, sometimes at night when im left to think by myself it comes creeping back and i feel the urge to leave everything behind and never look back ever again. it scares me because on one hand i do not want to lose everything i have now
and i do not know what exactly it is im so desperate to leave behind
But i can never help it, i always go back to that. maybe i just have a wanderers mind, and im meant to drift from land to land aimlessly. but i remember i had always dreamed of community and friends, and now i actually have that, and i dont know how to be fulfilled with it at all.

1/23/2023
there has been a change in my daydreams to fall asleep. It used to always just be random torture and sadistic stuff, but now its about running away to the alaskan woods, living in a little hut of leaves and eventually succumbing to starvation, dying alone and cold, while everyone you used to know wonders what happened to you and never finds out, eventually forgetting about you, erasing you permanently from the world. your body is never found. you might have as well never been born

1/21/2023
rundown buildings are like th symbol of mans inhuman creations becoming part of the world again. theyre lovable in the same way a tree is lovable. covered in moss and rot and lichen but still serving as a home. A perfect steel building at daytime is not lovable in the same way, as it does not look lived in, but at night it comes alive with warm orange light and dancing shadows against the windows, and then its just as beautiful

1/14/2023
i think medieval people were much more on point when they explained crazy fucks as "being driven mad" "falling to madness" "hysteria" and general insanity due to life rather than sorting little symptoms of specific insanity into boxes without a focus on the person individual life. when i got to the point that i was climbing out my bedroom window with a rope made of my own clothes, threw a bowl across the room unprovoked and crashed a hole in my door, i had been driven to that point, it wasnt cuz of some disorder.

1/13/2023
ive figured out the reason big bugs scare ppl so much. its cuz theyre literally alien compared to what we consider animals. When theyre tiny, how we r used to them, we can ignore them as a seperate thing & not rlly think too much abt their sentience or their existence as a lifeform - theyre just "bugs". but when they are big and animal sized we r forced to recognize that they are lifeforms as well and its hard to comprehend bc theyre just so very different from us in every way theyre like aliens . kinda like the uncanny valley effect. we cant read any emotion from them theyre big metallic living creatures who eat each other it seems bizarre and awful. what might contribute to that is tht we've acc gone n copied bug designs for technology stuff but the technology tht has that familiar look isnt alive in the slightest. so maybe it activates some sort of uncanny valley type thing in us where it looks like a machine but is also alive at the same time n it feels unnatural

12/27/2022
i never wouldve thought that even now, after my life was supposed to start, the most exciting parts of my life would still be late night drives to events i wont even go to. riduculously pathetic at this point

12/15/2022
so far, to me, suburban people seem to be trapped in a permanent childs mind. its like the environment around them encourages endless childlike escapism so they never have to actually jump out the nest. When i talk to them, i have to almost “play pretend” that all these concepts, ideals, words, franchises, brands, movies and video games etc matter or hold any meaning to me. None of which even existed to me on my own. all i know is i do Not belong here

12/4/2022
ive been very little good to anyone in my life when i think about it. All i do is hurt people. I dont want to but it is always what happens without fail. My mother, my beloved pet bird, any other pet ive been around, my father, and men of course. Of all things i wish i could take good care of someone and make them happy. its a ridiculous pattern at this point, it seems like it inevitably happens with everyone who knows me

11/19/2022
i keep thinking about what happened when i ran away. i had always thought i had what it takes to live a beautiful life. but i guess we arent really in control of how we end up living. many things happen to us that we never could have done anytbing about

11/1/2022
My delusional instincts have gotten the better of me once again. Last night I was going to dress as alex from a clockwork orange for the first halloween party id ever go to. Everyone else agreed that was a great idea. But at last minute i decided to wear this long black velvet hand-me-down dress i have and be a vampire even tho i had no vampire teeth. I thought i would look very enchanting, but, because i had no makeup or vampire teeth i obviously in reality just looked like a random girl in a long black dress. This is what happens when other people dont share my aesthetic vision. at least ill be alex for actual halloween, this was just a party i guess

10/28/2022
I need to tell him that i am really a disgusting whore before its all gone too far

10/26/2022
I only got 52% out of 100 on my german exam. I dont usually care about these things at all, but right now, i feel barely human and the only solution is death.

10/20/2022
I still sometimes wonder what its like to be someone who misses the house they grew up in, never dreaming of being kidnapped or going into foster care

10/19/2022
all these little detailed shapes around me, and i dont feel connected to any of them. the world really does feel empty now. all i ever had were my dreams and even those have been taken from me. plans for the future were my sanctuary and now they will never be brought to reality. in the very end i caved to the wills of others. what i always promised myself to never do

10/12/2022
i am again in social situations and i have the same awful old feeling i used to have. just complete confusion n self hatred for whatever social role im placed in, and how much ive missed out on and will never get back. i dont know what i want or who i am, and i usually dont feel like i have to know, but when im around people im almost forced to make it up. really i just feel like a nonperson. abhuman in every way. ive noticed i observe them from afar even when talking straight to their faces. im much too used to it, its ingrained in my brain to feel that way. i never feel like i myself am truly part of a conversation. that one guy who experienced white room torture wasnt lying when he said the loneliness never leaves you

10/8/2022
i went ice skating for the first time, something id always dreamed of. there were so many little kids having fun, zooming around in groups with their friends, all laughing and having innocent fun. i had fun too, but that there was a glimpse of something i could never and would never have. people aroumd me reminisced about being in third grade together, fourth grade, eigth grade and etc. i dont even know what ages those grades are for. but i do know no one knew me at those ages. even when i forget about it, and try to live in the moment, i have no life to look back on and be proud of. i have nothing to call myself a part of. no community, no scene. its partially my own fault too, i didnt try hard enough to discover or socialize because daydreaming was easier. i wish i was able to respect or like or sympathize with myself even just a tiny bit, but it feels much too late for that. i couldve managed a few years ago but now is a little too late.

10/3/2022
i remember once before i ran away talking to my mom about daydreams, and she said she has them as well every single day to get through the day but she does not actually expect hers to be real and i was like "that must be so depressing, i cant imagine dreaming of something you dont intend to live out". but by now i understand what she meant
at some point when you dont have the option of living those daydreams, only having daydreams themselves is still better than the option of not "experiencing" it at all not even in the mind

9/29/2022
right now i feel very happy and content just shittily designing basic retarded websites with the bright red lights of my keyboard and bright red firefox desktop while type o negative blasts into my ears

9/25/2022
i was driving back from florida with my parents and saw the huge structures around me, buildings and bridges and shit. it hit me for some reason itll all crumble one day. the electricity poles will fall to the ground and the long winding interstate roads once seen for miles will collapse in on themselves. the bridges will cave in, leaving nothing but mounds of brick behind. its all useless. i should just let myself rot anyway!

9/25/2022
i need to learn to snap out of my delusional daydreams sometimes. its impossible to make real life decisions then

9/25/2022
one thing i did not expect to come from going into the world is how it changes the way you see almost evereything. i saw a video depicting a beach recently - not even a real beach, but a CGI animation of one. normally, such a video to me would just feel like nothing, just something that is shown in movies and books sometimes. but when i saw it i now had a feeling of a memory i could attach to it, making it real. "oh, thats a beach! ive been to one of those before!" thats how it felt. im not very good at describing it but it was very different than normal.

9/14/2022
when ur gone everything good in the world is vaccuumed n suctioned away n there r no crumbs left. thats why i love and adore and respect you more than anyone even when i feel like ive ruined everything or your actions hurt me. you haunt me above everything else even when im hanging out with new people and living in the moment the thought of you always inevitably falls back into my mind like a parasite i cant seem to kill. you make me suffer in a way no one else does, in a way i have not felt since i was a child crying every day over my father. he does not affect me any more, only you do. the thought of you is the only thing that makes me reconcile the worst parts of myself and try to figure out how to be better, just out of respect for you. i know you wanted me to be better. everyone else is fun to be around, sure, but they dont inspire anything great in me. i desperately try to find some sort of depth and closeness in people that isnt availably there. the world was small and complete with you, and now that you are gone from it, the thought of you still brings me comfort.

9/6/2022
ive noticed for other people relationships seem to be quite different and they have no qualms going from commitment to commitment but i think for me i was just meant to have one and i completely fucked that one up so now i have to deal with that. it doesnt feel like i have multiple optjons even tho i do, its like there was always only one choice for me and back in the day i thought i would easily have others but i just do not, the rest are not for me. ive ALSO realized, my old obsessions of romance were an extension of wanting to make myself human and normal. that doesnt mean i dont want romance, and making myself feel real is a root of it. being attached to someone else.

9/2/2022
i dont think i should be in any sort of relationship at all for quite a while. its kinda weird to admit as ive always been a hopeless romantic and have never eve imagined myself choosing to be alone, but at some point you must admit defeat. im reserving that spot in my heart for daydreams now. i think ive made it very clear to myself and othersin those 4 years that i am not good for people like that. i think i am at my core just a completey delusional person. how i think and act and feel is completely wrong and not good for anyone. i dont know why, it could be either that i was born that way through bad genetics or from my isolation and childhood, but it doesnt matter at the end of the day, its just a fucked up brain. i have realized the way i see myself and look at my life is unmistakably wrong and different from those around me, and i am much more unlikable than them because of it, at least to myself. i think i was not a very strong person in the end and did not make it out of this house mentally well, even though other people have been through much much worse and more severe things than me and came out of it without being so delusional. one thing is that i unfortunately do prefer daydreams over reality a lot by now, they feel more real and i am not used to the way reality actually is. i was always in denial and thought id just make my daydreams reality, but it doesnt really work like that. i dont know what my plan for myself is i think for now i plan to get a job and the only scenario i can imagine myself satisfied and at peace with myself is maybe living alone in an apartment of my own, working a job with animals and having pets of my own, trying new foods, and spending the rest of my time writing and drawing all the daydreams ive ever had even the completety delusional ones. maybe near the sea or having a fish tank. small things to make me happy. i want to dedicate the emotions that id otherwise put into my relationship with him into turning it into art and part of my love for the world instead. i am meant to be an observer rather than part of the world i observe, i feel more natural that way and i dont hurt people. this all might change when i get out and slowly come to peace with the world which i can only do ohtside, but judging by the days when i was free, i dont really tjink so at least not so soon. i think animals are a good thing for me because they bring me closeness and company like what i always wanted from humans but i dont hurt them or treat them ignorantly like humans, i know how to actually be good to animals. ill never accept being away from nature and being disconnected from the outside world physically but i have accepted isolation fully. i do have friends now, real life ones for the first time ever, but i often feel tempted to drop them all and leave cause it feels wrong and like something that wasnt ever meant to happen because i never imagined it. its funny all i ever craved was reality, many experiences both bad and good, to have friends and lots of people who know me in one setting like a real community. but now i have all of that, only now i know i belong more in isolation and with daydreams. it makes me very sad to some degree like im giving up but i also know how awfully unnatural everything else feels and how i cant connect to anybody at all and i think it is my deserved fate honestly

8/28/2022
Looking back, it was all in my head. i would get to florida easily and would experience so many things with you. all my firsts. all of them. first friend, first trip to the store, first trip to the gas station, first hand holding, first real conversation with a boy my age. it would all be new and exciting and romantic. perfect in every sense of the world. i thought as long as i have that itll all be ok everything that happened in the past few years. i didnt realize it wasnt so simple. i will never have that now. its enough punishment for me. i wanted to be a real human with you. you cared about me, and you loved me, truly and deeply, more than i warranted. you made me human, and even now as long as you remember me i will remain such.

8/28/2022
i am going to give up on romance. It had always been the main thing i depended on in every daydream and every imagining of my future life, but i have ruined it for myself. Without even fully knowing it. I gave up the only love i really wanted for years. I dont feel like i deserve love, but even if i do, i dont even want it from anyone but him - and even being with him would cause too much pain now, much more pain than security and happiness. I never wanted to be with many people. Maybe i thought i did briefly, but i always dreamt of having just one love of my life since i was young. Of course, that did not end up happening.

8/23/2022
i really just think you deserve that romantic escape we always dreamed of by now and i hope to god i was not your only chance of experiencing that ever even though i dream of still being part of it for you, even if you wanted me again i know i dont think its a good idea because i clearly hurt you and i dont think i coukd ever make you feel that pure comforting peace without any negativity again, ive permanently changed things. for me i know that escape will just be in my dreams and i dont think thats a bad thing at all

8/23/2022
All i ever wanted was to make you happy but i ended up doing the opposite. I cannot even take comfort in my usual daydreams of suicide or violence done onto myself as im only reminded of how unhappy it would make you. it feels like a disservice to you and all ive put you through. There is no comfort to seek with you gone from me - except for the hope that you will somehow forget me entirely and live more happily than you ever couldve done with me. this makes me miserable of course but in a way i can deal with. my real fear is that i have condemned you to eternal dissatisfaction or otherwise unhappiness. I want to vomit until i am no longer me and am purged of all my cruelties and sins and all the harm ive ever done to anyone, known or undiscovered. i fear i will slowly forget everything we had over time. if i am ever to “get over” you like normal people do then i know i will. i can already feel it, the memories of you in my head slowly growing feverish. i only remember the feeling.

8/22/2022
sometimes i think maybe my biggest fears should just come true for example my dad having a perfect happy family after leaving us or me getting a horrible disease like cancer or something, because it would be an actual just turn of events and maybe i deserve it. i caused such misery for people i care about, and that woukd be misery for me, so it would be karma. i guess the real karma for me is the fact i still have to live at home and there is no end in sight of it.

8/21/2022
I remember when i was little, horrified every second that my dad would abandon me for another family, with another woman and another daughter better than me. I wasnt able to make him happy, i hated being part of the family that caused him so much stress and unhappiness, not even being able to make memories or go places with him because of my mom refusing to let me. I tried to convince myself for hours that this would never happen, because i could not stop thinking about it until i felt somewhat assured. Obviously i have somewhat grown from that since, but it was nonetheless the biggest horror to me for hours and affected my child mind a lot. I started getting into romance around this time, and the concept of “losing” the love of your life was the most terrifying thing i could imagine. Devoting yourself to someone for years, dreaming of them, feeling truly part of them, only for them to move on to someone who makes them so happy that they cannot help but choose them over you. Becoming a past memory, forgotten most days, while they have a real romance with someone else. I always pictured if i had spent years with a man just for him to fall for another woman, i would just give up on any attempts of pride or ego and kill myself, leaving a note wishing them the best. It is pretty ironic that this is all exactly what ended up happening in my relationship, but through my fault entirely. I have found that many times in my attempts to prevent something from happening, i cause a loophole and trigger the situation (that wouldnt have happened otherwise) into taking place. I would never have done the things that made my boyfriend break up with me if i had not had a crushing fear of making any man im around unhappy for the slightest moment, which i wouldnt have had if it wasnt for my fears. Its a direct loophole. I made the mistake of submitting to the wrong man, taking the wrong man’s authority just because he was there in the moment. My specific fears - not only with the love of my life, but also seems like with my father. I directly caused them both to leave me. And they will both inevitably emotionally move on, inevitably experience all the happy memories i wanted to with them. Memories i am no part of. Only as a guilty comparison, how i never brought them this much fun and happiness. I feel like i was never given a chance to make either of them happy. I wouldve had so many memories with both if i had been in control of my own life. But i was not. My mother blocked that for me.

8/21/2022
honestly i think people do not appreciate the beauty of the current world enough. yes, its all bad for the earth, nature is beautiful etc etc, but we all already know that. i love every piece of our modern lives the trashy gas stations to the 7/11s to the bright green, red and blue signs on the side of the roads, which go on for miles and miles. neighborhoods full of light. modern cities are a grand feat and every time i see them, lit up completely with advertisements, i cant help but feel a sense of awe in spite of any logical realization of how damaging it is. the things we build are so impressive yet go unnoticed. i think one day we will look back at our glittering neon cities, colorful streets in the rain and all, and feel the same romantic joy that feel now for old architecture. or, maybe, i am the only one who sees this side of the world as exciting and new. but i do think the people of the future will naturally find it as fascinating since itll be as alien to them as it is to me

8/20/2022
its eating me alive. i cant bare to move i dont know why, my arm is paralyzed and trembling madly. my plan is to pace around the living room and back rooms early morning. slowly pack bag during this time. slowly undo door while listening to music. grab bag, open door and race out. if it doesnt work im doomed. i must try this now or its over. i need to keep trying to live. i already wasted half a month. its just one step away. you just need to run.

8/18/2022
there were many daydreams i used to share with my family, ones we pretended had some hope of really happening. usually these were ideas of vacations, holidays or moving. back to austria to simply to a beach for a week or two. of course none of these happened. at the bsck of our minds we always kinda knew, but sometimes i really thought they may finally happen.

8/2/2022
why should i keep myself doing something when it makes me feel nothing. all ive ever wanted was to feel more than i do. every awful situation i create again and again, the scenarios i used to manufacture behind peoples’ back as a kid, is all some misfortunate attempt of twisting and turning myself towards feeling something. not any specific emotion, like happiness or sadness either. just emotion. i seek out that own feeling i always get when i look at city lights at night or when i used to do carwatchcung idk how to describe it. its my version of happiness, and full satisfaction and peace. maybe its just chasing misery, i have a tendency to do that. but its not miserable misery in the same way people who commit to dissatisfaction feel. more, i chase a melancholy that fills me, one that feels familiar. i just call it "feeling something" , i cant think of anything else. its like feeling everything, everything thats around me. pleaceful melancholy bittersweet blissfulness, reconciling with the world. there is only one person who makes me feel that way besides the strangers who i see glimpses of and never again. this whole entire thing is mostly a positive in my opinion, it brings me happiness, when i see the world through this lense i feel such wonder and curiosity and thrill, and a desperate need to live. but it does have its downsides. ive found its one of the main reasons i have a difficult time connecting to the normal suburban people around here very deeply. i found that the homeless youth i was around for only 3 days were more in tune with beauty and emotion than the people i have encountered at college. i wqs talking abt the night lights to thjs one boy from college, and how much i love them. he told me he doesnt specifically like the night and doesnt see the difference between it and daytime. and i automatically just knew this wasnt something i cared to pursue for the long run. our entire vision and way of looking at things was different, and the experiences he wants probably would not make me feel much. the life experiences i crave would only drive him away from me.

7/30/2022
my mom said that i am an alien virus and cannot be contained. that i cannot be repressed to a sanitized environment. all while she continues to do exactly that. it makes no sense !!!!

7/25/2022
my intention in running away is only to give myself the most complete, beautiful, wonderful life possible. nothing more, nothing less.

7/21/2022
at some point you have to think about a decision and weigh out what you would rather feel. which would be worse for me: regret or guilt. being controlled by fear and hesitation, or desperately trying whqtever it takes to feel completely in control of myself. in the end the choice was between (a) not causing my family to worry BUT hate myself for not having the life i want and having let my youth pass by unlived, or (b) to live my life and have all the experiences i dream of BUT feel tremendously guilty about what my mother must be feeling. both have an awful feeling attached, but i chose the latter as my better path, because i know everyone has issues with their family and causes trouble for their mother especially but not everyone has to deal with self hatred for their entire life and feeling like they died before they could live.

7/14/2022
i dont know why ive stayed so long
its like its not even alive anymore
theres no reason to stay i can feel it its all wrong

7/9/2022
looking back on old Things. i think my very first "friend" - in the terms of someone i talked to privately, even if very briefly - was a teenaged crossdresser named Marcy, who was also a car hobbyist. i wonder how theyre doing now. They talked very wisely and I remember were the only person who seemed to really treat me like I was normal. It never blossomed into anything close because I deleted the account we mostly talked on and was too shy to reach out after that, and i had no idea how to be a friend yet, but i always thought they were the coolest in my head. They seemed to have a much more active life even then most other people there, and thus definitely does not remember me much if at all, but I'm fine with that. just a memory

5/20/2022
i will never understand how people miss the 2010s. everything from that time seems so corny to me. People are nostalgic for it because they were little kids then, but thats exactly why i do not miss it. I dunno if its because i was a kid, but everything back then seemed infantile. Yes it was a “happier” time, full of larger-than-life pop stars and party culture and dumb tabloid celeb scandals to numb the brain. but it was just coated in plastic and bubblegum. everyones miserable now sure but its cuz we know we should be. Say what you want about the fashion style of the 2020s but at least we are not completely sexless and retarded like whatever the fuck hipster culture was. Anyone who thinks the best years of their life were 2010-2015 are all lame fucks who miss bright orange jeggings and fake nerd glasses. 2017 to 2019 is excused because it was morphing into something else and everything was better and i am correct like always

4/4/2022
i saw lines and lines of brick townhouses outside today. it was a blue rainy evening and everything was lit up and bright yellow. i want to live somewhere like that, with the smell the wet grass, stomping on the wet pavement, hard cement under my feet and bleak fog around me

2/12/2022
carwatching is such an underrated activity, makes me feel peace like nothing else. i think there is an actual defined phenomenon for the sort of feeing it gives you, but i cant remember the word. Its the feeling you get watching all those families and people with their own lives pass by in millions, knowing they have a full life each and every single one of them. At this point i am not even envious, it is just comforting to be reminded of all the people who get to live lives that are not like mine

2/1/2022
all i really want is to lay down on the ground n feel the world, grass, pavement, biting snow or hot wood, i dont care. i want to feel my body lean against the earth. i want to feel the warm gleam of a wooden fence burning against my face . to take me out of my mind. its been a decade of waiting by now. I want to lay on the road and watch every cloud float over me. i have never felt anything like i would feel that.

1/31/2022
airplanes fill me with despair. the overdrive sound especially. when i was little i would daydream about finally moving away whenever i heard them. heavy machinery somehow swimming in the air. lov them so much

1/14/2022
all the possible lives i could live keep running through my mind like a worrisome reminder i need to solve, like a leech on my back that i cant get rid of. I remember as a child i would imagine what it would be like to be driven home after elementary, with my backpack, watching the sun go down. Or driven home from church, or going on vacation. It was all so vivid in my mind, even still it feels more real than what was physically there, or the lack thereof. I imagined amusement parks, airplanes, recitals, one day going into sports or ice skating. I could have very easily grown up in england. Most of all i could have moved back to my mothers home country of austria. She spoke of it so much it appeared as like a paradise. A place where everything will one day be fixed, and it was promised. Now when i hear airplanes i remember how id always imagine going to austria when i used to hear them. One of the most melancholy yet happy sounds to me. I had this one dream where we finally were in austria, and i was setting things up on our new deck. It felt very real. Most of my memories are dreams and visions, especially of these unreal lives. I can most easily visualize these lives while watching cars go by. Ive done that since i was little. It is the most i feel at peace with the world, all the little metallic specs full of families and people experiencing different moments in entirely different lives. Its one of the best comforts to me

1/12/2022
my memories of these past few years are not fully fledged memories of their own but rather glimpses of a world beyond my reach. stuff like the sound of crickets coming through an open dark blue window, or futuristic lit up signs nearby a college i never even entered. nothing involving actual people or events. just pieces of an unattainable heaven to me, one i could see right there in front of me but never grasp ahold of. gone in the blink of an eye as most were seen through a driving car window. one of my only real memories that sticks out is from when i was 13, seeing the city lights whenever we had to drive to the hospital at night, just sitting there in the backseat daydreaming listening to billy idol on my metal handmedown 90s ipod. these little glimpses of things occupy most of the space in my head. the most beautiful things ive ever seen are probably the city buildings from afar. i want nothing more than to stand outside the buildings and experience them more "whole" than i ever have before. i want so badly to be part of them, and part of that entire bustling neon world. everyone wandering those streets and driving through those roads seems to be a part of something, some sort of human collective. theyre all on the same page despite being strangers. always going to jobs, taking care of their kids, or going to school. memories in the process of being made. to this sort of collective im a stranger. i want to be part of it.

7/29/2021
the years of isolation and constant perpetual daydreaming have officially rotted my mind and there is no return. the damage is done. my life is now an unfortunate loophole of misguided attempts trying desperately to feel normal and human

7/28/2021
this neighborhood is straight out of a nightmare i swear to god. just looks like rows upon rows of giant dollhouses to me, so empty and hollow. they look more like gingerbread houses rather than a place someone would ever call home. ugly as fuck and mass produced by some hack company. i wouldnt be surprised if half of them were just bought off as property by rich doctor fucks who own like 6 different houses theyve never even set foot in. my house is the worst of all though. i lowkey think its cursed cause the grass on our property is totally brown and dead and deceased while the grass surrounding it, whether it be neighbors property or not owned by anyone, is lush and green. it stands apart from the rest of the neighborhood and was there long before any other houses were built, i remember being here when there was not a single house around us. but yeah the entire area is just awful, only old people and little kids, and almost always theres no sign of life. Makes it all seem even more like nothing but toy models. From the outside they look kinda cute and ceramic, and untouched by the world, but i would honestly nuke this place if i could

7/7/2021
simply talking to her feels like my mind is being raped with a knife. ripped of all control

7/2/2021
idk i wish i could see why i shouldnt do it. i belong rotting away in a jail cell at this point. i dont dread the idea of spending my life in prison or even getting a death sentence, yet i do dread the idea of following through with a normal life after ive already been excluded from all the good parts. if i dont go through with this ill probably force myself into a normal life out of fear like a fuckin slave

6/26/2021
realizing transhumanism is just hollywood alien eugenics about extinguishing the human race

6/20/2021
9 times out of 10 the transhumanist desire to become robotic is just an unconscious manifestation of personal failure, a sad submission to inferiority, causing oneself to reject humanity entirely. letting urself go to the idea of a new race of greater, more capable, more perfect beings. basicaly theyre losers

6/8/2021
at this point I would rather demote myself to being a fleshy meat slab of an object than a human person

6/6/2021
Disgusting shell of a person, letting this poor unused body mold away until i cant even feel it

5/27/2021
dont know how people dont realize the only way to counter any modern political hivemind is to ignore its existence completely, rather than taking part in either opposing ideology. theyre just two opposite sides of the same coin. Both are trapped in the exact same situation, arguing back and forth on useless topics about fuckknows celebrity or random country that dont even effect them. They are both driven by pure paranoia and are in echo chambers that warp their understanding of reality. They both condemn their false enemies as inhumane and unforgivable, even though in real life theyd probably get along with them a lot better than they imagine. while im on the topic its pretty funny how conservative people and liberal people rarely actually admit to what they are, they always pick something like alt-right, centrist, socialist, communist or etc, but theyre always the exact same as a standard conservative or liberal. It feels rare right now to find someone online who is true to themselves, to their own core, rather than letting others tell them how to feel about their own life experiences. i know in real life its probably better but people act so retarded online

5/21/2021
If i dont do it now or soon i will be condemned with jealousy to anyone who accomplished it before and after me. I would never forgive myself, living a life of what i shouldve had if i was born into a normal family. Pretence of normalcy. I simply wouldnt bear it. This is my one chance to end things how they are supposed to end. the only way i can possibly achieve happiness and peace. All problems, insecurities, and confusion would wash away, and everything would be right with the world. Everything would be just how its meant to be. i would feel all the misery draining from the house around me once theyre gone. I would feel as though i had never known them. everything would be erased.

5/21/2021
I should just go ahead with it. id be more free in prison than i am in this house. both cages, this one just has less people who i already know i hate. None of them deserve death but theyre all suicidal anyway, i cant see any of them living a life worth living. if anything id be sacrificing myself, im the only one with an actual passion for life. None of us want to live like this and i cant see it ending any other way, yes i would like to move out and start my own life but thats not gonna happen or if it does itll be delayed and humiliating. its too late for that. Small and healthy change wouldve had to happen a long time ago, by now this is the only way out for me that would probably work and not end in going back to what i hate

5/20/2021
im certain im going to hell. Not because i did anything wrong, but just because of all the awful negative energy building up inside me with no where to go. Theres no way they can just disappear like that after i die. it will follow me. theres this sick drowning feeling inside me, overwhelming and all-consuming. feels like a neverending pit of just everything horrible i dont think theres even a word for it. "evil" comes close but not really. Every time i think of it its not long before it takes over me and im like one of those bug zombies that are piloted by mold except im piloted by intoxicating sadism, dread, ansgt and self loathing. I dont know how to describe it any better.

5/15/2021
i think the reason i isolate at this point is because i need to know myself well first so i can stop trying to imitate those around me. Maybe i will be part of humanity once i am not a failed attempt at relating to them. the main thing i notice that splits me apart from others that i need to stop imitating is media consumption. everyone i see is very dedicated to favorite TV series, movies, brands, bands, singers, books, and even things like toys and collectibles, quite literally living through them and the stories or events that were portrayed. they bond over these together as fans of the same things. for a while i tried to have favorite things like that but it just felt wrong. i dont like most things and when i do, i dont want to show it off as this thing i like, i want it to transform the way i live. when i love a movie, i want to actually take it in and live like the lives portrayed i want to Become it. I guess im sick of being the audience in my real life that i want to feel like a person or “character” for once. Everyone else seems like characters to me. But when they obsess over media it somewhat disturbs me because it breaks the illusion and i realize they really are not.

5/13/2021
food is so revolting. all the oils and fats and greases and juices dribbling down your face, into your pores. literally the only permanently non disgusting food is plain brown rice. even plain white rice is too gooey and slimey. or maybe thats just because im a horrible cook. World is fucked up.

5/11/2021
lately my only interaction with humanity at all has been ‘transhumanists’ online and its probably gonna make me crazy. their ideal society as i understand it is a hivemind where they are rid of individual personhood and only experience quiet peace forever, no stress or conflict ever again. they consider the absence of everything to be serene tranquility. blissful nothingness. i dont understand why anyone would aim for that. to me it would be absolute torture. things need to be constantly moving and changing around me. i guess im saying that because my life is already nothing and i already know its hell. Obviously if i had been technologically altered to the point it was even possible for me to join a hivemind, i would no longer have the same aversion that i have to it now, but i want to keep my aversion. I dont want to get rid of myself in an endless attempt of self improvement. As i am now i require conflict or i will go insane (which i currently am) and id say its the same for pretty much all other humans. even though they wont admit to it, our need for other people and our need for chaotic happenings around us drives us to function

5/10/2021
i dont want to grow old if not with you. i dont want to be treated good by anyone but you. i cannot devote myself to anything but the idea i will one day have you back with me again. the memories of you will never leave my mind. i dont want to feel this way for anyone else. i am alone for you

5/6/2021
earlier today i was snapped out of daydreaming and all my memories washed over me and i realized very few of them really happened. Most are entirely made up, and i have nothing to replace them with

5/2/2021
barely remember how it used to feel abnormal to suddenly have no one to talk to again. even if loneliness had been my entire life up to that point, one year made me used to talking to people. then they went away, and i was back where i started. but now im just used to the loneliness completely. loneliness is the only thing truly familiar to me even though i despise it. now when i try to talk to people or make new friends it feels false, like a bad performance, and i cant do anything to make it feel real. I cant bear it. I turn myself away from them. i think im slowly learning that its simply not my natural state, no matter how much i want it to be.

4/31/2021
i think somethings broken inside of me in all my years spent here. i have always never wanted to live by what others want me to do. that has always been my thought process. but i think at some point in my years spent here i have fallen into some sort of catatonic state. i cant bring myself do anything but rot in bed and browse the internet, wasting time, trying to get through the day, waiting for night, desperately trying to forget i exist. the only thing i accomplish or even aim to accomplish every single day is just making food to eat. at this point i dont think it is totally my fault but it is starting to be. its not like theres not much else i can do in this place at all and when youre isolated i guess its just kinda inevitable. Just trying to get to the end of the day, my daily habit at this pont Its like sleep to me, a self induced catatonic state. virtual death. So much time simply vanishes down the drain, hours or months its all the same

4/25/2021
i wonder why it is that what i ask for is too much. all i want is a normal human life, to be really truly PART of something. To have people around me who merely know of me. They really dont have to like me, or even want me to be there. They just need to be there so i can exist. like im one of them, even if im by far the worst one. its not the most suffering one can deal with for sure, maybe not even enough to warrant anguish. but it does. i have never been meant for such emptiness. i need to feel alive. i can not get that need met here. all i have is an empty void of no memories. if i had just been born into a different family i couldve had a simple life full of happy memories, and a community around me even if only a loose one like school. but obviously that never couldve happened, cuz if it wasnt my parents who made me i would never have existed at all. In a way i was only able to live this life and no other. lost the life lottery, plain and simple

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